Parties or Petunias?

Friday afternoon I needed to stop at Costco Pharmacy for one item and one item only. It was exceptionally crowded and I had to park way over by Home Depot. On the way in I saw a woman come out with a gorgeous garden pot of succulent plants. 

I strolled the samples while waiting for my order and did some judicious shopping, a two-pack of tiny watermelons, Healthy Choice fudgesicles, and found myself looking at the garden pots, again. I just wanted to see if I could find another pot of succulents. Geraniums, petunias, and combinations of both for only $9.99. No I did not need another pot of each. Too bad about the succulents, though. They would have wintered over beautifully. And then I saw back on the shelf a Gerbera daisy! It was in a pot with my favorite wax begonias and ivy. I grabbed it and put in the cart. My daughter told me I had to stop buying flowers, but oh, I wanted these. Back went the rotisserie chicken, and back went the pita chips; there, I justified the flowers.

I used to live on a hill with tons of room to plant whatever I wanted. I started out so ambitiously with raspberry canes and dahlias. I planted tulips and wild flowers. The chipmunks ate everything planted. I never saw the fruit or flowers. Every petunia got leggy and ugly. I had some luck with hanging begonias and roses grown in pots. I was so proud of those roses! Over the years I planted five rose bushes each year and treated them like fragrant annuals. I would joke that I didn't deserve a large yard; I was the type of gardener who should live in a condo with a little patio.

This spring S brought over my large planters and several small pots. I bought starter and seeds and planted morning glories and sweet peas in the small pots. I am training them to go up a wrought iron fence. Five new rose bushes, and a few $.86 geraniums in small pots and I was proudly done. Then a tomato plant that is actually producing little tomatoes, and a couple of huge pots on sale and a hibiscus that was practically free. Whereas on .65 acres I confined myself to a few roses, here on my patio I have twenty-one pots and I love each and every one. Stop me before I plant again.

I am living on a very tight income these days. This has been a weekend of parties that I could have attended. I really wanted to see some out of town people at one of them. But when I figured the price of admission to the club, parking, the cost of refreshment I realized I would rather spend my discretionary dollars on flowers.  When I had to weigh the cost of the party against the pot of flowers, I chose the one that would give pleasure all summer long.

Making my daughters sick

Wow, that is a dramatic title!

My girls are all grown up and each has food sensitivity issues and I have unintentionally been making them sick. One has cut out all dairy and gluten because the consequences outweigh the pleasure. No buttery cupcake is worth the headache that inevitably follows. My other daughter is learning to live without a gall bladder and I keep making her sick with ice cream or melted cheese.

My great-niece is showing food sensitivities and her mother is aware of what will and will not make her break out. No one thinks it is a fad or all in the baby's brain. Unfortunately grown-ups are not given that level of respect. They are labeled food faddists. I am reminded of a character in the book Vision of Light by Judith Merkle Riley. Margaret is accused of false piety when she keeps Lent all year and never eats meat. She explains that she is not pious or putting herself above the priests; she just gets stomach aches when she eats anything that ever had eyes.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T and M-M-O-B (mind my own business) are the buzzwords for today. Respect the choices people make and trust what they are doing is right for themselves and mind my own business. Mother needs to be mindful not to judge and to keep sorbet in the freezer. I don't know whether I can give up a lifetime of offering food but I can lovingly offer food without gluten or dairy or hard to digest fats. Anyone want a cherry? How about some grapes? I have a potato...

What if?

After seeing the newest Robin Hood film with Russell Crowe and Cate Blanchett, I am left with some questions. Aside from the obvious such as how much is historically accurate, why isn't Maid Marian wearing a wimple, and how did they film some of the scenes, how different would the world be if the people who started war actually led the troops on the field of battle?

In the olden days a leader was often a warrior and chieftain, up to and including kings and other "nobles". If you wanted your clansmen and countrymen to fight you had to be up there with them. Of course in those days most fiefdoms were smaller than the nations we have today. King Richard, also known as Lionhart, died in battle. His rotten younger brother also went to war (and then reneged on his contracts.)

In latter centuries, leaders have lead from war rooms, keeping track of battles on many fronts. I can't imagine FDR leading from a wheelchair or Winston Churchill on a horse. Recent histories have revealed the private lives of these leaders. Although they worked hard and worried about their troops, they also drank champagne while those troops slept in foxholes and ate c-rations.

What if George W led the attack in Iraq rather than show up for a staged photo-op declaring "Mission accomplished"? What if he went himself to the mountains of Afghanistan to root out Osama Ben Laden? What if Saddam Hussein and Osama Ben Laden led not by orders, but by example? Would the world today be a safer place?

There are young men and women all over the world, on both sides of every altercation and philosophy willing to put their lives on the line for their country and their beliefs. I do not think a king or president's life is more valuable than that of a misguided suicide bomber or a career Marine. I do think that before anyone asks them to make the sacrifices that they do, they should be willing to put their life on the line, too.  If not, then make peace.

The assumption of evil

I love my little condo. I enjoy meeting my neighbors. I am making friends. I am part of a community. It is driving me crazy, and as S used to remind me, for me it is a very short drive.

I made friends with some of the older ladies in the building and was invited to book club. It was fun and intellectually stimulating. I had a wonderful time until the social part. There is a spy network here that drives me crazy. They always say it is to keep the building nice but that isn't what makes me nuts. It is the assumption of evil. If they see something, and let me tell you they are watching, they automatically assume a bad connotation. It is not innocent until proven guilty, it is guilty until proven innocent.

One woman started talking about people coming to use the pool and then driving away. These were lovely young people who sat doing Soduku puzzles. They were not loud or obnoxious. I spoke with one young man who dove in against the rules. I told him in a lighthearted way not to dive because the water was too shallow and I didn't know lifesaving and didn't want him to drown. No problem, he would not dive again. We got to talking, he was gutting his parent's condo and living there while doing the work. I asked if he knew the other young people and he told me they were his cousins. Nice.

I told the group these facts and there ensued a discussion about one of the owners needing to be at the pool with the guests. Why nit pick? His parents own the condo, he is a resident for now, he was with his guests. Why assume anything is wrong? Why not assume goodness, innocence, and the absence of evil until shown otherwise?

I'm not an idiot. I am careful and cautious. I refuse, though, to live my life assuming the worst of others. Prove me wrong, I'm willing to take the chance.

Sur la Table, ooh, Sur la table!

Now that my kitchen is almost complete comes a catalog of wild desires. Not necessarily my desires... but some people's. We start off on the cover with the most beautiful glass beverage servers, each with it's own dedicated stand and label hanging on a chain. Here is a press and grill accessory for making sliders and plastic baskets and checkered papers, just like going to a cheap restaurant! Little piggy bowls, and, be still my heart, the Margaritaville Frozen Concoction Maker 2000. With it you can make everything from a daiquiri to a mudslide; and only $349.95. Time to throw out the old blender indeed.

As I go deeper I find a rack for grilling Chili Pepper Poppers or even Creme Brulee. Baskets, stones, humidifiers and more all for the outdoor grill. Oh right, I don't have one but I can use those belonging to the condo. Maybe we can buy a Mario Batali Amici Brick Oven. It is portable on wheels and available in red or black on sale for $3,475.00. I'll bring it up at the next association meeting.

Last fall I bought new cookware and I have been quite happy with it. Bronze colored Analon that I got a great deal on at Macy's. I should have waited for this sale. There is a twelve piece Demeyere Atlantis Cookware set valued at $1,895.00 on sale for $1,650.00 plus free shipping!

Don't get me wrong, I love Sur la table and love the little tomato bowls I found at Goodwill, (what a find! Score!) and the French rolling pin I bought in Chicago. Now they are here at 50th and France Ave and I got some wonderful little doodads with the $10.00 gift certificate they sent me as a welcome present.

When I was the worst dressed kid in school, or at least felt like it, I was happy until I found out what was cool. Now I dress myself just right for me, and have a little condo with a kitchen that is just right for me. I look at those huge kitchens in the magazines and wonder what could they have in all those cabinets? Thanks to Sur la table, now I know! But even with all that space, is there a place for the Tupperware?

Giving offense or instigating change?

There is a group I belong to on facebook that posted a sort of nasty message. Basically it said that they were the original of that subject and that others should not copycat. They should be original. I posted that they were using a famous logo with a little change and they should live and let live. I do think facebook is big enough that there can be two groups on the same subject. The original poster said that what he was doing is called creativity. I had to laugh, but I just checked back and my posting had been deleted. Whoa! But then I noticed the new logo, not quite so fancy.

One day my thousand year old father told his doctor to lose some weight, he was getting tubby. (Yes, that's where I get my tactful nature.) We had another appointment several months later and the doctor had lost weight. He told the old man that he did it for him. Well the old man is always on me about my weight and he doesn't inspire me at all; his comments just piss me off.

Years ago we lived in a town with one school bus stop. Ninety kids would gather and act like kids. I went before the school board and asked for a stop nearer our home. I offended the vice principal/bus coordinator by telling the board that if there wasn't a change I would be back every meeting until my youngest started school in two years. By the end of that first year I did get the bus stop but that man was still angry at me. I made him change his schedule and every time he saw me he gave me a little pinch. I finally had to tell him to get his hands off and stop hurting me.

In every relationship there is a subject or two that causes friction when discussed. I tried to get around the friction in every possible way from straight talk to coming at it sideways to using a sweet voice to saying I wasn't making judgements. Nothing worked. There were just some subjects that were TNT. My partner got around this by not discussing them. It didn't get easier and the subject didn't go away. We just slipped into inertia. Nothing was discussed and nothing changed.

I am 58 years old. If I live to be 98, I have another 40 years, but in reality probably not that long. I do not want to live in a state of inertia and denial. I do not want to give offense either. I want to be honest, and funny, and loving, and make others feel good. But I am not a tactful person and on occasion I will inadvertently give offense while in conversation. Please don't take it personally. Call me on it and I will apologize for hurting feelings. I want the best for my family and friends and don't always use the right words to express those feelings.

The nicest blind date

A lovely man took me to dinner tonight and I had a wonderful time. He is charming, originally a Jersey boy.  He is my age and we had so much to talk about. Our families came from the same part of Russia at about the same time in the early 1900's. Without prior meeting, we had history and spoke the same language. I knew his references and he knew mine. We spent almost three hours over dinner and I was not bored once. We said goodbye outside the restaurant and soon after I got home he called to tell me what a nice time he'd had and looked forward to seeing me again.

Before my marriage ended I said that I would never date again. The thought gave me the willies and I was so glad to be over that particular activity. I found though, that I am a social person and I missed being around a man and started dating. I've met some delightful gentlemen, some less than stellar individuals, and a few so shy they made no impression at all. I am not one for long emails back and forth. I like to meet in person.  When someone from Michigan wrote expressing a desire to meet I said sure. If it happened, fine, but I was not holding my breath waiting.

My delightful date will be heading back to Detroit in the morning. Not holding my breath; I hope his business brings him back soon.

My job

Sometimes I get low because I have not had a paying job in quite a while. I think I am wasting life and talent and time. Today, though, I realized I do have a job. It has paid for many of my expenses and even some luxuries. That job has been to be a caretaker for my parents. It was while I was in a dressing room with the old man, tying his shoes that the epiphany happened. The old man remarked that he could not do this without me, go shopping alone. He couldn't find the racks and the fitting room and the men's room, to say nothing of actually getting to the store. He has had a lot of disdain for the way some of the elders in his building dress. I gently said to him that is why so many in his building wear the same things over and over. Some can't afford new clothes, some have nobody to take them shopping, and some can't even speak English. He had to agree.

In the car the old lady said that she was much easier than the old man. She just picked out her shoes. I said that I was the one that brought all the different styles to her, as well as the shorts and capris. She just had to sit there. She laughed and made a joke that we weren't counting that. I took them to Byerly's and the sweet waitress couldn't get their order right and the old lady acted just like a spoiled brat. The server brought some jelly and the old lady sneered, "Too late." I pointed out to her that she still had three slices of toast left so it wasn't too late and did she want it? No. Usually it is the old man who complains.

My job these past five years has been to prolong life and add quality to that life. There has been true learning and growth on both sides. The old lady has become a more appreciative person. She is no less self centered, but does realize what others do for her. The old man, who knows? It is amazing to see him shrinking before my eyes, getting so very skinny and frail. He can be clear and perceptive, but some of the time he doesn't understand what is going on and I have to repeat things until they sink in.

As with any job there has been a learning curve. At first I thought they could do more than they can and I introduced too much too soon. There have been months when I took one of them to a doctor or dentist every other day. There have been times when I blew my top and screamed. I even worked on some issues with a counselor. I will do all I can for people but being called stupid for not being a mind reader will push my red button. I don't know if my parents understand the depth and breathe of the sacrifice I have made to give them a better life. Probably not.

What have I gotten out of this? I have learned a patience that I never thought I could achieve. I have become more compassionate and accepting. I handle what is thrown at me. That is not to say I float like a lily over the muddy water. I get tossed and dirty, but not as emotional as in the past. I realize I took on a huge task without understanding what I was getting into. I did it with a firm determination and it is my task and no one else's although I do appreciate the respite my daughters, especially Eri, have given me.

As somebody who has been obsessed with time and timelines, I have learned they are artificial markers. Things take as long as they take. I thought I would be at a different place in my life at this age. I thought my parents would be dead, I would have a good job and be making a difference in this world. They say to think globally and act locally. Now I am acting on a very small stage. I haven't cured cancer, or brought clean water to a village, stopped war and taught the world to sing. But in my life I have stopped a cycle of child abuse, raised wonderful human beings, and brought comfort to some sad old people.  When I lost my job I kept saying that the right thing was out there waiting for me. Little did I realize that taking care of my thousand year old parents is the right thing for right now.

Shrek is back and Fiona is kicking it!

I liked the original Shrek and loved Shrek 2. Shrek 3 left me quite unsatisfied. I hated the whole premise of Shrek inheriting Fiona's kingdom. So it was with low expectations that I went to see Shrek, Forever After, yesterday. It was terrific! The critics gave it a C-, but I give it a big A+. One critic compared it unfavorably to It's a Wonderful Life, one of my all-time most disliked films. (Jimmy Stewart's voice gets on my nerves.) There have been many movies with the premise of what life would be like without a particular person. This one just rocks. I did not see it in 3D but that mattered not at all. I like being an observer in Far Far Away. That is all I am going to say although I don't think I could "spoil it".  If anyone wants to go see it, I will gladly go with you and enjoy myself again!

I walked out of the theater with a huge smile on my face and strolled into Chipotle still smiling. The tacos were quite delicious and everyone smiled back at me.

Take care of joy

Today I stopped at Costco to see S. I was feeling so happy and wanted to thank him for helping me. I told him I was so very happy and feeling so much joy. He was happy too. He really wanted to do the best for me and end things in a graceful way. I wound up crying and hugging him.

Someone texted me asking how I was. I told him I was the recipient of a gift. He asked what the gift was and I replied, the gift of happiness from God. Just feeling good, and peaceful and appreciative, that certainly is a gift of Grace. He said his counselor told him he should look for contentment  within.

I went on facebook to play a game and they have changed the rules. I looked for a message board and it was filled with complaints, to which I added my two cents. Then I looked at another group which was bitch, bitch, bitch. Suddenly I realized, I was not quite so happy. Surrounding myself with negativity was sucking the consciousness of joy away from me. Whoa Nelly! Back away quickly and do not get caught in that nasty mess. Surround myself with the positive and stay well away from the complainers.

"Truth is the consciousness of bliss." As true now as the day I first heard it in 1973. When I am feeling that deep seated joy, that bliss of just being alive and breathing and part of creation, I know it is true. When I am feeling anxiety, my back and stomach start to hurt. Breathing is not easy and I am in a state of dis-ease. They say, "Let go, let God," or surrender, or put your faith in the Creator. Sometimes, though, that is easier said than done.

But joy is not hard at all. The state of appreciation and contentment is relaxing and peaceful, full of creative energy and love. The only hard part is not talking oneself out of it. Yes! I deserve it, and so do you! Stop analyzing and start experiencing the joy that is available. Take tender care of joy, and joy will take tender care of you.

Happy weekend!

You might think that living in the land of 10,000 lakes one would not appreciate an OUTDOOR swimming pool. Today, at eleven in the morning a mother and her young daughter came out to go swimming. The eight year old is in the water while her mother sunbathes on the deck with just her legs in the water. The girl has mom's legs over her shoulder and says, "This might hurt, but..." and mom says, "But what?" The girl says, "But... oh well" and tries to pull her prone mother across the cement into the pool. She can't move her an inch and both laugh. I thought about all my mommy daughter trips to pools and beaches. The food, the drinks, the towels and toys, I did it all and that is the way it was and I used to think how easy it was having a lake or pool so close, not like the ordeal of going to Coney Island. But how easy is this? Put on swimsuit, lock door, go to pool.  Time for lunch? Just go back upstairs. I am very happy with my pool side view.

I used to complain about camping. It was so much work. Shopping and cooking and getting everything ready and then having to cook while camping and cleanup and when back home having a ton of laundry to do. It wasn't that I hated camping, I hated the work. It never seemed like a vacation. But in the past few years I have been camping where others did the work and I must say, it is very pleasant indeed. The last three times have been in a tent. but this time I am going in semi luxury, a pop-up camper! It is still a little bit of work getting everything ready and this is what I had to do:

Pack clothes,
Prepare salad fixins
Figure out drugs and makeup
Get books to read
Arrange for Saturday entertainment for the thousand year old parents
Put a smile on my face and love in my heart.

Now I will turn off the computer and pack it away, lock the door and go out to meet my friends. Then it is off to sit in traffic while we and everyone else beat the weekend rush. The only thing left is to wish you all a safe and happy Memorial Day weekend.

Gambling and life

This morning the nurse at assisted care called to tell me my mother was not feeling well. She did not get out of bed and said her stomach hurt. The nurse called the doctor for instructions. His nurse didn't get back to them by two o'clock so I took her to urgent care. Today the old lady looked every day of her 96 years. She put on some makeup, but forgot eyebrows, her hair was awful and she asked if she could take the walker. When we got to the clinic, I got her a wheelchair which we got quite a lot of use of. She was seen by a triage nurse, another nurse, the doctor, two lab and one x-ray tech. Does she still have a bladder infection? Is it pneumonia? Hard to say but they have started her on another dose of antibiotics. They are doing some cultures, too.

She had not eaten all day and was weak, I called for juice and that seemed to revive her. The old lady is a fighter with a strong constitution and a strong will. Although she has most of her marbles she insists that  someone gave her a pill that made her sick. She says that as soon as she took that black pill she got sick. She has no black pills. I had to remind her that she felt ill last Friday. She finally said she wants something to blame it on. She told me that as she lay in bed that morning she thought, "This is it, I am dying." We were at the clinic for nearly three hours and she kept saying I was a good daughter and I kept saying it was my pleasure to be there for her.

I feel like I am waiting for the first shoe to drop. One of them is going to die soon. I sure hope it is the old man, because he will not be able to handle losing her. I know he will have to go to Shalom Home if she dies. Everyday he calls me to find out what is on the table. Nothing Dad, I tell him. Today Laurel visited and took him to lunch. Monday Eri and I set up a new TV for the old lady. Nothing until Saturday, Dad. Now I have to figure out something for Saturday, I have been invited to go camping. Maybe the girls can take them to see Sex In The City 2. I know the old lady has been looking forward to it. She loves to look at the clothes.

I have been playing a new to me computer game called Farkle. I am pretty sure it is the same dice game that old Cousin Harriet used to play but they called it Bunco. You can play it alone or against a partner and up until now I have been playing for points. There is another option where you can play for chips if you meet certain conditions. Suddenly everyone who wants to play with a partner is playing for chips. I am not a gambler. I hate losing. But today I played for 100, 500, 1000, and 5000 chips. I won every time by careful attention and strategy. These chips mean nothing, every four hours you can play for more stash. Yet I found myself really wanting to win when thousands of chips were on the line. I got reckless, I got canny, I got sneaky. Phew, what a way to live.

For so many, many years I lived in a state of anxiety. I didn't know it until a doctor told me. When I came home and told S, he said he knew it and was surprised I didn't. Maybe it was losing my mother when I was young, or never knowing when the old man would explode, or always living on the margin, but I was always anxious. I was scared of my life unraveling and having to live in a shelter or go to jail, or something awful. In a way, that something awful has happened. But I have lived through it and I am not in jail, nor will I need to stay in a shelter. I have my health, and very much loved daughters and other family. No, I am not married. No, I am not working for wages. But I am gambling that by living each day and trying to love, I will prevail. There is no anxiety about that at all.

I want a job, and I want an income. By my actions I know I will become employed again. I also know that the end of my parent's lives are coming closer and that the comfort I provide, the availability of my presence is important. By divine grace and my efforts there will be a resolution soon.

Here is a joke that I read to the old lady while we were waiting for her prescription. I paraphrase:

An old lady was brought before the judge for shoplifting. "Mrs Kraputnik, what did you steal?" the judge asked. She explained that it was only a small can of peaches, just six peaches. The judge sentenced her to one night in jail for each peach, six peaches, six nights. As she begged for mercy Mr Kraputnik called out from the gallery, "She also stole a can of peas!"

My mother laughed until she cried.

Oceans

I took the old man and the old lady to the movies yesterday. Our choices were limited. We don't see anything with lots of explosions or violence. The old man refuses to see anything animated and most sci-fi is out. We see a lot of coming attraction trailers and the constant refrain is, "Remind me to miss that one." I told the old man I really wanted to see this nature film and he was fine with it.

First, let me talk about production values. The film was breathtakingly beautiful. Pierce Brosnan narrated and the music was lovely. It is pretty hard to make a comprehensive movie about the oceans of this world in 90 minutes, though. And after awhile it got quite soporific because there wasn't enough contrast. Pierce was always calm and erudite, the music was all of a key and for the most part the film was blue, blue, blue. The old man kept nodding off. At one point he woke up and said he did not want fish for dinner.

The memorable parts were different. Close-ups of amazing looking fish and animals kept our attention, especially when camouflaged fish would hunt. The most powerful image that persists is the very short one of man-made pollution. The sight of miles of plastic bottles and trash as seen from below was powerful, but the one that got my parents attention the most showed a shopping cart and detritus on the ocean floor. That scene was not blue, it was brown and dirty and ugly. My family have never been scuba diving or whale watching, and we don't raise tropical fish. We have been to the grocery store and the image of the cart hit home. We could relate to that and it made us ashamed for the actions of our species.

Another memorable scene showed two armies of spider crabs attacking. Suddenly hundreds and hundreds of these small creatures approach the same territory from different sides and climb all over each other. It was as stupid a battle tactic as I have ever seen. The parallels with humans could not be missed.

As I watched scene after scene of the beauty of our oceans unfold I made two goals for myself. I want to save money and go on a whale watching trip and also learn to scuba dive. I want to go under the sea and see the wonders of our ocean. Yah mon, Jamaica in January watching the pretty fishes sounds good to me. I'd better get a job.

My favorite virtue

I was lying in bed, awake and aware at 4:20 and thinking about kindness. Without doubt it is my favorite virtue. "But what about generosity?" I asked myself. One can be generous for many reasons without being kind. Kind can be generous, but it might also withhold giving for the kindest of reasons. I love Truth, Justice, Honesty, Strength, and all the others. They are the ideals we strive towards. But Kindness is not an ideal, it is a way of living that knows no other.

I have noticed in myself and others that when a task is naturally easy we tend to brush off acknowledgment of it's worth. We give a compliment and the other will say something like it's nothing, no big deal, I enjoy doing it, think nothing of it, etc. The action is part of us, like breathing. So it is with kindness and generosity of spirit.

When it became very clear that my long marriage was going to end I made one demand. I wasn't giving up his family. For many years I have been closer to them than my own parents. They are kind people who don't think about being kind, they just are. That is not to say we haven't had our disagreements over the years; of course we have. What matters in the end is the loving acceptance of who we are and the appreciation of that bond.

I am not an exact person. Consequently some of my projects do not get the attention to detail necessary for success. I've learned not to cut fabric for curtains. I love blown glass and know that is a craft for me to admire from afar. My sister-in-law is a very exact person. For years I admired her bookkeeping skills. She would keep a journal of all expenses and it made her happy. We had children who started school the same year and although I bought the same number of school pictures, she was able to keep track of the portraits of four children and frame thirteen years for each. I have no idea where mine are. One day she told me how much she enjoyed painting. I mentioned that I hated the "cutting in" detail. I always got paint on the ceiling. She told me that she liked doing it.

So out of innate kindness and generosity of spirit she came over Sunday night and did the cutting in on the kitchen and bathroom. We talked while she painted and I intermittently worked at getting up the old linoleum. One funny thing I observed is that she watched "The Biggest Loser" reality show and I watched "America's Top Model". The thin watched the fat and the heavy watched the skinny. We talked movies and food and family. I kept thanking her. It was wonderful to me that she was doing an onerous task with such equanimity.

Today I did the roller part of the painting. Wouldn't you know it? I got paint on the ceiling and tiles. (I cleaned it up immediately!) I'm not sure if I love the color; time will tell. Now I am thinking about the rest of the dining and living space. A soft yellowish beige might be perfect. She says she will come back again and do the cutting in. That depth of kindness blows me away. To her, though, it just comes naturally.

The view of two forty year old men

Work on the condo is going great guns! Sheetrock and sanding is done, time to prime because the cabinets will be here Tuesday! Three weeks early! The economy is bad for the building trade but great for the home improver.

Tony has been here every day this week. He put up the wall board and has done all the mudding and sanding. What a mess, a beautifully well-done dusty mess. We got to talking about kids. He has four, three boys and a girl and he says the girl is harder than all three boys put together. He despairs of her learning about responsibility. Turns out, he has never given her any, daddy mops up all spills. I don't think you can blame a kid for going over limit if she doesn't have to do the reconciling or pay the fees. We talked about family placement. It turns out Tony is the middle child. I'm a middle child too. At first he wouldn't tell me how many brothers and sisters he had. He is the middle child of SEVENTEEN! Seven women, two of whom his father married and most REMAIN FRIENDS! Tony's mother ran off when he was five and his father and whatever girlfriend of the moment was living with him raised Tony and whatever other kids were there. Sometimes two women would be living there, sometimes none. He learned to call them Mama Mary, Mama Marie, etc. I said that his father must be extremely charismatic and he just laughed. I asked how the other women dealt with it. His father told him, "A woman can deal with any truth better than a lie." I guess so.

I'd been flirting with a man online and last evening we met for a drink. We met at the W downtown and soon left. I could not handle the noise. We went across the street to the 8th St Pub and sat outside in relative quiet. (If you can call traffic zipping by quiet.) One of the things I won't do is meet a man in a relationship. I do not want to hurt another woman. If he lives apart, as S and I do, that is different. So we established he wasn't married, and he liked being with older women. It was just a drink. Guess what, oh, you've guessed it. He is not married but has lived together with his girlfriend for eight years. Does she know he dates? She might suspect he said. Is she OK with that? They don't talk about it. To give him credit, he doesn't say she doesn't appreciate him or anything like that. She is a flight attendant and he gets lonely when she is gone.

This was a very good looking, well dressed, forty year old professional man. He saw a crazy picture of me dancing (from Eri's wedding) and was attracted. I am not desperate, there are plenty of men who find me attractive, old and round as I am. I don't care that this man is in a relationship other than he lied to me. The fact is he is also lying to himself and his partner. I can meet a man in a relationship for a drink, knowing that it is only a drink. That is why I always insist on meeting in a public place. I'm not a fool or an idiot.

So on one hand, here is hard working Tony, raised in a very non-traditional household, working class, and covered with dust, and on the other professional Philippe, oozing charm and money. I don't want a relationship with either, but there is only one with whom I would ever consider being friends. If anyone wants an HONEST, hard working, sheet rock man, I have Tony's number. If you want to meet Philippe, just turn over a rock, or maybe a marble slab.

Karaoke emotions

if you had asked me a few years ago if I would ever sing Karaoke, I would have said you were out of your mind if you thought I would even be in the same place as Karaoke. But when I joined a group that met on Tuesdays I was introduced to the doubtful pleasure of singing out loud in front of people. In the movie "My Best Friend's Wedding" Julia Roberts manipulates Cameron Diaz into singing a love song to her fiance, hoping it would turn him off and he would realize he loved Julia, not Cameron. But with tears of love, Cameron sings, quite awfully, to her love and he loves her even more.

Well, of that whole scenario, the only thing I have in common with Cameron Diaz is awful singing. The first time I tried it I had to have a friend sing with me and I nearly soaked my shirt with sweat. A year later, I get up with confidence and still sing rather awfully, and have a good time. Tonight I sang Bonnie Raitt's "Nick of Time." I really love that song. I love the rhythm and melody (when I can find it) and the lyrics. They really touch me. She talks about watching her parents grow old and them watching her grow old, too. Then she sings about when she had cried all she could cry and had given up, love found her, just in the nick of time. One woman sang two Judd's songs that I really like. When she sang "Mama he's crazy, and in my life is where he wants to be, I've never been so loved, he beats all I've ever seen, Mama he's crazy, crazy over me", I know that is what I want and that I won't settle for less. When she sang "Grandpa, tell me about the good old days," I remembered driving from Burnsville to Jordan with that song playing and little Eri singing along. I felt I was living that good life where daddies never went away. I remember being thankful for my life.

Today, I am more sure than ever that when I fall in love, if ever, it will have to be with someone who is crazy over me. I like my own company and am not scared of being alone. I miss dancing with my best friend, and laughing, and having a goal with a partner. That is too bad. It is not the end of the world, just the end of an era. Maybe I will find new people to laugh with, not just one. Maybe I will find a new group to dance with, not just one. Maybe working with others I will find a new goal that brings joy through effort.

I read inspirational quotes. I try to take them to heart. I know this life was made for joy, happiness, bliss, and serving the Creator and creation. I'm not going to be "scared to allow the time." I know that if I ever find love again it will be "in the nick of time" and it will be with someone who is "crazy over me." No fear, no fear.

Mothers Day

Several years ago I was at a very low point in my life. I was looking for something to do to continue living. I had lost my helping job, my children were grown and gone and my husband did not want any of my nurturing. I defined myself by what I could give others and there didn't seem to be any other part of me. I went to a class and the teacher told me I had some serious self-deficiencies.

After our healing ceremony, I started to date. I was so starved for attention and fun and touch that I nearly exploded when a very nice man kissed me. He broke up with me within a week and I had to ask myself why I felt so sad. It wasn't because I was in love with him, not at all. I was having FUN for the first time in years. The last time I had that much fun was protesting through a Wal-Mart store in St. Paul. When I realized I needed fun in my life, I started seeking it.

I did a lot of dating and had a lot of fun. I realized I was so much more than a mother, I was a beautiful, if rounded, woman worthy of desire and I had a lot to give. It was wonderfully liberating and broke the chains of just being the helping mother. I rediscovered my femininity and other sides to my personality. It has been fun, but also sobering. Being a single woman at 58 is a much different experience than when I was young. I have so much more to discover about the woman that I am, and much of it includes learning to appreciate being alone.

Recently I have had the good fortune to be with a five month old, three toddlers and a three year old. I loved almost every moment of holding that baby, playing with those toddlers and talking to the big boy. My own dear daughter came over to color my hair. I still relish being a mother and know that part of me is alive and well. But now I know that being a mother means more than that nurturing. I know being a successful mother is being a whole woman.

Bravo to you my friends and readers for all you do for others and for what you do for yourself. Happy Mothers Day!

My interpretation of that funny dream

It occurs to me that I can interpret my dreams as well as anyone else in a way that makes sense to me if I put my mind to it.

I have been thinking about my dream where the old lady happily shrinks away and the old man is looking for a place to plug in an electrical recharger. As the old lady ages and gets smaller, she is remarkably happy. Tell her she looks good and her day is made. She has always said that she doesn't want to live to be a hundred. She is shrinking, her world is shrinking, she is losing her short term memory and is ready to die when it happens. In my life her presence makes less of an impact and I will neither miss or not miss her when she is gone. It will be an end and a finish. She lost the power to hurt me. I never really invested in her.

The old man is quite different. He is hanging on to life with every ounce of being. He is confused and scared and who knows what else? He does not want to die and would rather be bedridden with no quality of life, should that happen, than die. Of course he is looking for that outlet for energy. The surprising thing is how I enable him. I help him look, crawling on floors, reaching for outlets. I say I want him to die, but I wonder, does my subconscious agree?

Funny dreams

The electricians were here today. I hid out in the "party" room upstairs. I thought I could use my computer but because I had no electricity for the router from my place for the internet, I wound up just resting on a couch and dozing. I had some doozy dreams.

The old man was in a nursing home and I would come visit. Somehow or the other he was in a double bed with some stranger. The old lady came to visit and she was only about three feet tall. "Ma," I shouted, "How did you get so short?" She laughed up at me and said, "I don't know. Am I short?" We went looking for the old man who was trying to find an outlet for a rechargeable something. I saw myself trying to reach across counters to plug in, crawling on the floor looking for an outlet. Suddenly S was there too and I was introducing myself as Carol Sandberg, daughter of Sidney Smoller but the nurse was thinking S was my father. But what was it all about? Teeth! The old man needed his old bridge fixed and suddenly my gold teeth were loose too. I was flipping out because I could not afford new teeth and such. Oy, oy, oy. But then I said I will charge them and went ahead and answered the phone which woke me up and heard the electrician say they were done.

So what does it mean? Probably nothing.

What a funny way to spend the day!

God on the elephant

There is a story from India about a holy man walking down the street. He saw a rogue elephant coming at him but wasn't worried because he knew God would protect him. On top of the elephant the driver was yelling "Get out of the road!!!" but the holy man continued knowing that God would protect him. The elephant trampled him and as he was lying there his rescuers asked why he didn't get out of the road. Didn't he hear the warnings from the elephant's trainer? The man said he thought God would protect him. He was told "That was God talking to you from the back of the elephant!"

Today, I felt like God bringing a message. I sat at a picnic table to enjoy a soft drink outside a store. There was an older couple and a bit younger woman with them and we talked about how 57 degrees could feel warm or cold, it was all in one's perspective. One thing led to another and the younger woman talked about having breast cancer. She was a one year survivor and wanted to die. I talked to her about both my mothers who had cancer. One died at age 42 and the other is a 30 year survivor at age 96. She just wanted to die. I asked her why she was so selfish. She didn't understand. I asked why she wanted to hurt her mother and father and daughter? Why would she deny her grandchildren a grandmother. She thought her life was worthless and I told her that God had put me there at that table today to tell her to work through her despair and become a stronger women and find her destiny. She was meant to inspire others. She hadn't, at age 40, begun to achieve her potential. and on it went. Her parents were quite happy but the woman said she just wanted to die. I said that she should do it soon to put everyone out of her misery and said to her parents that maybe she needed to go to a mental hospital. She had already been. After my drink I had to leave and I said to her that there was a reason I sat at her table today. It was to tell her to work on getting better and enjoying life.

Mental illness/health is such a hard thing. It is hard to get good care. It is hard to get holistic care. I do not know the answer.

Of course after feeling all spiritual and clean and wise I had to blow it. I had to see how very far there is still left to go. Hubris is a killer. Thanks for the wake-up call! I'll tell you what happened. I took the old man and lady to the movies this afternoon. We saw an absolutely wonderful film called City Island. We all enjoyed it immensely. Funny and hopeful and so real to life. Andy Garcia was amazing, as was the whole cast. As we were going to the elevator the old man got nastier and nastier. We got off on the mezzanine and he screamed he was going to pee in his pants. Well, there went my good mood. There went my happiness, I was pissed. Why didn't he just say he needed to use the men's room? Why did he have to put us down for discussing the movie? Why could he be scathing and not be able to just say let's hurry to the men's room. So when he came out I let him have it. I yelled at him for being so nasty and ruining my good time. He was fine, but I was a mess.

I thought we would go around the corner to a nice restaurant and on the way there the old lady got faint. It scared me. I could not carry her and there was no place for her to sit. Eventually we made it to the place. She had to sit down and rest and eventually felt like she could eat. A large Coca Cola helped restore her blood sugar and equilibrium. She kept saying how much better she felt.

So God in the guise of my thousand year old parents has spoken to me. Have patience with these old people. Have understanding of their frailties. Be the person I want to be, not just the mouthpiece. It is not enough to talk the talk, but I have to walk the walk of loving.