Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving Confidential

How funny, I had to leave a club at 12:15 because I was turning into a pumpkin and now I have lots of energy. Contrary as usual.

When we first started talking divorce one thing I said is that I didn't want to give up his family. I love them and they love me and they have been part of my life for over 35 years. So there wasn't any awkwardness except that S was late and everyone was asking where he was. How liberating to say I didn't know. I did my part and when he got there, he got there. No anxiety on my part.

Of course there was a ton of food and dinner was a leisurely affair. My parents had two glasses of wine before eating and a glass of champagne with their meal. I had to cut them off because of medication and equilibrium issues. The old man insisted he only had one glass of wine and suckered Eri into giving him more. The old lady passed out in a comfy chair for awhile. They hardly ever drink and Moscato D'Asti is so very delicious.

After dinner we did a service project for Meals on Wheels. We made tray decorations for Christmas and signed 100 cards. I got tired of signing Carol, and switched off to Beth, then Eli, Sid, Harriet, Tori, Candy, Candee, and Candi with a heart over the eye. LOL. This family really enjoys being with each other and family friends from Chile had a great time, too. About six hours after picking them up, I dropped the old folks back home.

There was time for a nap and then off to a club to hear a wonderful Reggae Band with some friends. It was such a great cultural experience. The men danced alone for quite awhile before any women or couples joined them. I was reminded of ritual mating dances some male birds do. Jamaican men dance very smoothly; I enjoyed watching and then dancing. While I was out on the floor doing my own dance I realized I was probably the oldest one there. I don't look as old as I am and I certainly did not feel out of place.

I am loving my little condo and enjoying life. I have a wonderful feeling that if I am open to whatever comes my way and don't limit myself or others, wonderful adventures await. I have a line on two jobs, both different from the nonprofit work I did before. Having the security of the condo means I can take lower paying jobs. I am not saying no to new ideas. I am saying lets see what happens. I'll keep you informed!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The old folks secret

I took the old lady and old man to the gerentolgist yesterday. He spends a lot of time with them and he was asking them some personal questions. Since my parents have NO boundaries the old lady told him about how much sex they used to have. The old man just smiled and nodded.

Then Dr. S said that they always impress him. He said that for 94 and 95 they are incredibly active. They pooh poohed it saying they were frustrated at all they couldn't do. He said most people don't go out every week to the movies and dinner at their age. My father was aghast. Why?

I said to Dr. S that I thought they didn't think of themselves as old. The old man does not want the old lady to have white hair because it makes her, at 95, look old. Dr. S thought that is the case. They don't see themselves as old.

All this is true. But I will tell you the real secret of their vitality. It is me. It is having a daughter who has arranged that they can live their declining years in a state of ease. It is me, I am who keeps them alive.

Friday, November 20, 2009

He's The Best!

Monday night at about ten the old man called to tell me that his mouth was broken. His teeth had fallen apart and he was scared that he was going to die. "Why will you die, Dad?" I asked. Because if he couldn't eat he would starve to death. He did not want to see his regular dentist, he wanted to see the "good one."

From experience I have learned to actually check out what is going on before making an appointment. Too many times I have taken him to the doctor for some ailment like a bleeding back only to find smooth skin when he takes off his shirt. When confronted he will answer something like, "What the hell do I know?" So I went over yesterday morning and looked in his denture cup. One of his old bridges had fallen off. I took it to the "good one" and he said it could be sandblasted and rebonded.

The old man is in a special program run by an HMO and the dentist of choice is not a member. But he is such a fine person, good dentist, and overall mensch that the old man has no trouble actually paying for services. Dr. W took care of some old decay and rebonded the bridge. It should last him the rest of his life. The old man does not give compliments easily and gave this praise, "He has heart, he's the best."

Have you ever been to a fine craftsperson and even though the work was good, didn't ever go back? Why drive a little farther to eat at a little place when fancier restaurants are closer? It is heart. It is knowing that you are valued when there. It is knowing there is a person behind the service, not a computer and knowing you are not just a number in a line.

Dr W., I salute you. To my friends in blogland who do a little more for others, who make a difference in a customer's day, be it with a smile or problem solving, I salute you, too.

The cable guy came this morning and couldn't get the internet to work. He was flummoxed and is sending the boss over tomorrow, so for now, from the Hennepin County Library, goodbye and good luck. (Maybe I'll be able to piggyback on someone elses internet later, maybe not.)

Enjoy this clip, definitely not Dr.W!


Monday, November 16, 2009

Laughing Again

It is a long time since I lived alone and so far, I AM LOVING IT! I am making myself turn off lights, put away dirty dishes, make my bed, and hang up towels in the hope that as I begin, so I will continue.

When I left the Ashram in 1975 I asked to live in a house with some other followers. They welcomed me but one woman warned me that S really, really, liked me. I asked her why she thought that and she said, "He laughs at everything you say whether it is funny or not." I told her I could handle it. We married later that year and laughed together for a long time. Our house was full of laughter.

How did I know something was wrong in our marriage? The laughter was gone. It was so grim. Every once in a while we would laugh like we used to and I would become hopeful that all would be right again. Alas, it was not meant to be.

Since moving out S and I have spoken several times and shared laughter again. Yesterday he dropped off some books and we were both so happy we had to hug. We were laughing again and it felt so good. It was bittersweet. We were happy because we weren't together. I felt that pang for a minute and then realized that loving someone means wanting the best for them. In this case it means living apart and starting new lives.

He wants the best for me and I want the best for him. Be happy my forever friend. Be happy and laugh.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

My Last Night In This House

Thirty-four years and tonight is the last night I will share a roof with my husband. It is 54 degrees and he has decided to sleep on the porch. He hasn't shared my bed in close to four years.

In early January 1975 he entered my bedroom to wake me for meditation. I opened my arms and he came to me. We made love and I saw green light. Later I looked at the calendar and thought I might have gotten pregnant. I asked him what he would do, he said he would marry me. I asked what he would do if I wasn't pregnant, he said he would marry me anyway. We married in September 1975 and our first daughter was born in March 1977.

I am not looking through rose colored glasses; we had problems, but I trusted him and we were pretty happy. On paper, we are perfect. I will never get an answer as to why, but he chose to go a different path from mine. Unfortunately he never told me where he was going and I kept waiting for him to come back. I never cheated, I never looked at another man. I always thought he was kind and so very good looking. He was a wonderful father and still is. He wants our divorce to be fair and has gotten me the money to buy a small condo in a very good neighborhood.

I thought I would have more time to get ready and pack. The nephews are only available tomorrow so I know I will be coming back all next week to pack books and go through papers, etc. Tomorrow we will take the furniture and some boxes.

In a few minutes I will go upstairs and clear boxes off the bed. I will lie on "my side" and look at the moon shining through the tree outside the window. This is the last time. Soon, the new place will be home and this house just somewhere I once lived.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The best part of being grown-up and living in my own home is not having to stay in bed all night. I can get up and read or play computer games or anything else I want. I woke up a 3 AM, (what else is new?) full of ideas for packing. The spice bottles can go in a Sketchers box I found in the other bedroom.

Yesterday a friend came over with some boxes and stayed to talk to me while I cleaned out the bottom of a closet. He sat on the bed and listened to me as I packed. He said I had a lot of shoes, do I? How many is too many? Are five pairs of red shoes excessive? Maybe a man would just put purses in a box, but I had to explain how much I liked each one and where it was purchased.

I had to show him the clothes I had made over the years. The dresses from my ashram days and the cowboy shirt I had made for S before we were married. I am leaving it here. He will probably throw it away, but I can't. I had to show the embroidery on a jumper and tell the blue gown story. I showed him my pathetic Revlon and Ginny dolls and the sock clothing we had made for them. I realized we didn't even use good socks. The toys of my childhood.

Later in the day my friend sent me this text, "It was nice to see you today. I hope you dont suffer from a memory overdose". I am not a big packrat, but I do keep some things. I am not crying over anything, but they are a part of me. Eri made me throw away all the barrettes and ponytail holders from when she was little. Thanks, kiddo.

Part of keeping the house is S having to store things the girls want saved for them. He becomes the keeper of the papier mache' Tinkerbell. He has to keep the needlepoint chairs from Great Grandmother Myrtie. I am starting out taking only the things I want to take. But with only one bedroom, I am not sure where I will put all of it! I'm sure to cull more as I go.

Oh, it is exciting and I am so very glad to be moving on.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Machines of Loving Grace


Tonight I was able to find my way downstairs without any trouble. Between the full moon and the LED displays on various appliances it was quite bright and brought to mind this poem by Richard Brautigan:

All Watched Over by Machines of Loving Grace

I like to think (and
the sooner the better!)
of a cybernetic meadow
where mammals and computers
live together in mutually
programming harmony
like pure water
touching clear sky.

I like to think
(right now, please!)
of a cybernetic forest
filled with pines and electronics
where deer stroll peacefully
past computers
as if they were flowers
with spinning blossoms.

I like to think
(it has to be!)
of a cybernetic ecology
where we are free of our labors
and joined back to nature,
returned to our mammal
brothers and sisters,
and all watched over
by machines of loving grace.

— Richard Brautigan,1967

He could be a little maudlin, but so evocative.

The Pill Versus the Springhill Mine Disaster by Richard Brautigan

When you take your pill
it’s like a mine disaster.
I think of all the people
lost inside of you.

Richard Brautigan comitted suicide in 1984 at the age of 49. He had many demons including alcohol. He left a very small body of work, some genius, some awful. I for one am very glad to have known of him in his heyday.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Mothers and daughters

I love both my daughters. I used to say one was like a butterfly and one like a tank. Guess which one is most like me? Yeah, the one that runs over anything that gets in her way. One other thing, we are LOUD. She hates it when I tell her to keep her voice down. She tells me all the time to keep my voice down. Yesterday we stopped by to see family with twin babies and we kept startling them with our voices. Sorry, little bunnies. I was born in NY, but I wonder why E is so loud?

E does not like the way I drive, so I leave it to her. As a passenger I get to look around and make comments. I have been told that I "could not BE any more obvious". I have begged for a break. She is so snarky to me! I really can not stand it. She acts like I am an idiot.

And yet, my stalwart girl is always there for me. She came with me to the closing, insisted on taking a picture with me handing over the check. What a cornball. The closing went very well. Because I do not have a mortgage, I only had to sign one document. Totally amazing.

I have given E a key to my new place. She has become my emergency contact. In a few hours she will come over and help me pack. If I want her help, I have to accept that she has her issues with me being me. She told me she expects more from me than living in the past. She has always told me that I am her hero, someone she admires, so I cannot let her down.

I think the line is "To the future and beyond!"