New days new ways

Quotes: The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett

'Miss Tick sniffed. "You could say this advice is priceless," she said. "Are you listening?"
"Yes," said Tiffany.
"Good. Now...if you trust in yourself..."
"Yes?"
"...and believe in your dreams..."
"Yes?"
"...and follow your star..." Miss Tick went on.
"Yes?"
"...you'll still get beaten by people who spent their their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy. Good-bye."'

I think about what causes laziness per se, but inertia and hidebound thinking.     I know it is fear. For me it is fear of rejection, of having my feelings hurt, of not being right, of being wrong. I think it is fear of being called stupid or being told I shouldn't have tried because that good thing should not belong to me. It is fear of success. Garrison Keillor talks about not standing out, of being like others, not making waves, and of course not putting one's self forward. I get it. You don't have to be raised in Minnesota by Sanctified Brethren to get that message. You can get the message loud and clear in Brooklyn too. Be like everyone else, be better than everyone else, but get no support for your efforts.

I lost my mother at a young age and sometimes I feel like I have been playing catch up ever since. I was a totally clueless child. I had no idea how anything was done and certainly learned to muddle through on my own rather than ask for help from my madman father and semi-illiterate stepmother. I never felt that my parents could help me because anytime they stepped in, they made it worse. The crazy thing is, I can help almost anyone. I can find resources for others, but have a hard time punching my way out of a paper bag.

So, what brings on this introspection? I've been terminated from the product demonstrator position I have held in a warehouse store for a year. It is a relief to know I don't have to worry over how I will offend the boss anymore. It is a relief to have the time and inclination to look for a job that is a better fit, where I can do good, and maybe have a little dignity. More than that, I want health insurance!

I have decided to do things a little differently. I am going to move ahead despite my fears. My new motto is, "What is the worst that could happen?" Face that fear: looking stupid, being rejected, etc, etc, in a logical way and not get discouraged by real or imagined hurts that could happen. The flipside is, of course, "What is the best that could happen?"

I have friends working on PhD degrees, friends accepting new positions in new places, a niece that is working full time, has two small children and writing a book. I see people putting themselves in an open place, where by their efforts, they can experience their dreams coming true.

Today, I made several changes. I microwaved an ear of corn. Guess what? It was delicious and easy. I called a friend and I am going to go up to Ely for a few days rest on Sunday. I have asked a neighbor to feed my cats while I am gone. Just because I can't go to California doesn't mean I have to stay home. And I am going to pursue getting back either into a helping profession or find something else that is wonderful to do. What is the worst that can happen? I might succeed.

Final evening in our pool

Today was the last open day for the pool at our little condo.  It was a glorious hot day, 92 or 88 degrees and I had to work until 6:30. I was hoping that it would stay warm and I could go for a final dip. As soon as I fed the cats and got out there, a ferocious wind began to whip the leaves around and the water was all fast moving ripples, but oh so warm. I got in and worked out, talking to neighbors who came out to take advantage of this last time to swim and chat.

A condo is a funny place. Each person owns a little (or big) piece of space. That is ours, inviolately our own to decorate and keep as we please. But there is a larger part of ownership. We all are vested in the building itself, from roof to garage.  Now that the pool is closing, we will retreat to our units, some of us to never see each other until next year when the pool opens for the season.

I will probably see a few people in the laundry room or in the garage, and I can only stand to attend the first hour of board meetings where few people show up. If I don't want to be isolated, if I want to live in a community, it is up to me to take the steps that will make this building a wonderful place to call home.

The first step was National Night Out. The second step is talking to everyone I meet and introducing myself. Stephen and I used the pool together several times. He told me he lived here for six years and I was the only person whose name he knew. So I am thinking of hosting a Winter party/potluck meet and greet for new and old residents in the community room. If people want to come, fine. If not, they have the right to their privacy.

Little steps; it will be fun to see what happens,.

The clearance rack

I just sifted through a few days facebook posts to find this quote: Please remember: If you're not being treated with love and respect, check your price tag. Perhaps you have marked yourself down. It's YOU who tells people what you're worth by what you accept. Get off the clearance rack and get behind the glass where they keep the valuables! LEARN to value yourself more! If you don't, no one else will! Re-post if you like, you may help someone get off the CLEARANCE RACK! Great reminder to LOVE yourself! Life is short! Be happy

This really spoke to me. When I go to a store I gravitate to the clearance rack. I don't even look at the regular stock, thinking I can't afford it so why even look? And yet, when I think about two of my favorite items of clothing, the embroidered denim coat and the dress I wore to Eri and John's wedding, neither one was on clearance. They spoke to me and I had to have them. I've had years of pleasure from both.

But what about myself? Have I put myself on the clearance rack? Sometimes yes, but lately no. I am not some cut rate shmatta and I will not allow myself to be treated like one. Some people think this is arrogance and aggression. It can be perceived that way I suppose. I have always been of two minds about this. Maybe I should say of two stomaches. When I was a child and being discounted half of me would cringe and accept how stupid (or whatever I was being called) I must be. The other half was screaming that I was not stupid, etc. I was wonderful. It lead to a lot of stomach upset and tension. To this day tension plays havoc with my innards.

Recently I have been meeting men who contacted me on a dating service. It is always at a public place and I wonder to myself, why did I meet this person? I wasn't crazy about their looks, but they approached me. Almost like I am on the clearance rack and another 75% has been taken off my lowest price. Maybe I will meet someone who treats me as the greatest find ever. But mostly it has been less than that and I have no interest in ever meeting them again.

So, I am going shopping in the better men's shops. I might not be able to afford or attract the guy in the Hugo Boss suit, but I sure as hell am not accepting the Sad Sac in the Robert Hall suit bought at Goodwill. 

There you have it, defiant as hell, but... I'm worth it!