Friday, November 30, 2012

A girl who CAN say no.

I am someone who, at least in my own opinion, tries to go out of my way to help people. I hardly ever say no, and that sometimes has been a problem of my own making. But today I said no, and instead of feeling guilty, feel OK.

There is a woman who lives in this building who winters in Tucson. She spends her summer here in Minnesota to be near her daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren. She called me today from Tucson to ask me to take a taxi to a car dealer and pick up her van that had work done. She told me they called to say the weather was changing and they didn't want to keep it on the lot. I said no and told her to ask her daughter who had someone to drive her to the lot and home.

I can remember the last time I said no. My daughter asked me to buy a baby grand piano. Nope, wasn't going to happen. To be fair, she never expected me to do it either; just pulling old mom's leg. What I like best is doing things before I am asked, seeing an opportunity to assist and jumping in.

Several years ago I took my folks to a concert at Lake Harriet Pavilion. We were sitting in lawn chairs watching as a young woman with a toddler in a back pack and an infant in a loaded stroller tried to make it across the area when a wheel fell off the stroller. She was in a fix and a hundred people were watching. I got up, helped her negotiate the distance to the parking lot and came back. So many people thanked me for helping. Well, yes, you are welcome. But why didn't one of them jump up? I know if that had been me struggling I would have looked at someone and asked for help. But then again... I am from NY.

I like holding doors and carrying packages for old people. I like tying a little child's shoe. I like wishing people a good weekend or telling someone they have a terrific family. I like making people feel good. (I can see someone rolling her eyes right now, but it is true.) I like giving of my time and resources.

There is no profound point to this blog. Or maybe there is. Maybe I had to tell myself, again, that it is OK to say no sometimes.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Dear Mitt,

Dear Mitt,

I was just lying in bed in the dark thinking about the gifts President Obama promised me to win my vote. According to your "private" statements, I must have been duped and bribed to have voted for him. I also wonder how you can be so naive as to think you have any privacy at all after the 47% debacle.

Let's see, he promised me a road to citizenship. Thanks, but I was born in Brooklyn, NY and proud of it. Oh, I know, college loan forgiveness. I didn't have any personally, but I did write checks to Idaho State and the government for ten years to pay off my spouse's loans. Free contraceptives, that's what I'm getting! Wait, I'm sixty years old and past childbearing. Besides, I can afford a box of Trojans, should the need ever arise. I'm sorry, I am just going to have to dig a little deeper to find those gifts.

Could it be the promise that sometime soon I will be able to purchase affordable health insurance? Could it be the assurance that my daughters and nieces, and everybody else's daughters and nieces will have access to reproductive health services? Yeah, Mitt, that was a big one. That one was enormous. Speaking as a woman who was able to limit her family to two very much wanted children, this was important to me. I like President Obama. I like his wife and I like the way he treats his mother-in-law and daughters.

You seem not to know why you lost the white woman vote. You were not honest with yourself or anyone else. Instead of proudly owning up to the creation of the Massachusetts  Health Insurance program, you distanced yourself. Every time you could have made yourself appealing to the common man or woman, you aligned yourself with the radical right. You courted the millionaires and billionaires. You showed no understanding of what it takes to get by these days, none. I didn't see how you were going to make America a better place. Going back to the policies that President Obama inherited just didn't fill me with hope.

Right now your party is bemoaning the fact that rich white men are not in power. That it isn't the same America. Don't worry; rich white men are pulling the strings, and becoming even more obstreperous in Congress even as I write. This is the same America, believe me. The difference is that women of all ages, youth, minorities, real people of faith, and thinking white men have said no. No more free ride, pay your share. One man, one vote and they all count the same. Yup, not even Karl Rove gets two legal votes.

Take some advice from the grand dame of your party, Barbara Bush. She wants you to get over it and move on. So do I.

Sincerely,
Carol

Thursday, November 15, 2012

This and that

1. Political Sideswiping

I woke up yesterday feeling good. I can say it was the first day since surgery that I really felt right. I looked down at my ankles and saw... bones! Yahoo! My left ankle has been in some state of swelling since June. Sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, but definite cankle. Great start to the day.

I make a joke at work when people walk by with jumbo flat screen televisions. Something to the effect of "What a tiny TV" and everyone laughs. Last night a couple stopped to talk about their purchase and before I knew it we were talking about cable. I mentioned that I have one step above basic and so do they and I said it bothered me to have so many shopping channels and no choice as to news programs. I said I would rather have MSNBC, which I don't get, to Fox, which I did. Oh boy, did the shit hit the fan. Which brings me to the next topic.

2. Legal vs Ethical

The couple maintained that Obama was leading us into a socialist state and started talking about how people can use food stamps in liquor stores. I told them that was 100% illegal and they said they knew about a place on the northside where it is being done all the time. I told them to call the Dept of Agriculture and the police and report the offender.

Now instead of shutting my mouth and wishing them well as they were spouting garbage, I raised the topic of a friend of mine with MS who cannot get physical therapy and Mrs Romney who also has MS and was able to take a $77,000. deduction for her Olympic horse training fees because she uses him for therapy. The man said it was legal. The tax code allowed for it. I said it wasn't moral. He asked if I took any deductions and I said only the basic one. Well, hell. Yes I take a tax deduction. They finally left.

Recently I have been doing a little research on Donald Trump and his "bankruptcies". All perfectly legal and all smarmy as hell. Legal for the creditors to get pennies on the dollar while the billionaire takes advantage of the law.  Legal but unethical. How was he able to do this 3 times within ten years? Banks kept offering him money. Not only did they not hold him to the same standards as anyone else who declares bankruptcy, they courted his business. Of the three times, he only lost money the first time. After that it was all his corporation taking the blame. Oh yeah, it was legal, but highly unethical on the part of the banks and the Donald.

A person can use a cutting tongue to abuse a spouse or child and not break any laws. I happen to think the Golden Rule should be obeyed too.

3. The Burden of Love

I've been thinking about independence and love and if you can have both together. I did not tell my out of town daughter about my surgery beforehand because I did not want her to worry. And I did not want to take any healing time to reassure her. I told my in-town daughter when to drop me off and when to pick me up and not to call or visit. I just wanted to sleep. What followed were hurt feelings and apologies and having to use mental energies to make things right. Just what I didn't want to do. But that is the burden of love.

We cannot ignore the people we love and who love us when it is convenient for us. That means considering their feelings and not just our own. When there is a network of love, one cannot decide to be 100% independent because whether or not you are thinking about the others, they are thinking of you. We try not to knowingly hurt others and must accept the responsibility that love brings. I would rather be loved than be an island alone.

Which brings me to:

4. Aging connections

It is no secret that I relocated my parents, lock, stock, and knitwear, from Brooklyn to Minnesota. They were 90 and 91 at the time and had become a problem I could not solve long distance. It was pretty traumatic for them and I tried to reassure them that I did not want to take away their dignity or independence. Yet they became dependent on me for so many things. Every once in a while my mother would say, "Now I can tell you..." and it would turn out that my father had fallen out of bed or she had fainted and it had all been dealt with but she hadn't wanted to tell me because she didn't want me to worry. I would get upset and say it was my job to worry. Then I would work with the administration to change the situation.

I am only (yes, only) sixty. That is thirty years younger than when I brought my folks to Minnesota. I like to think I am independent. My daughters are 25 and 29 years younger than I am. I must recognize that they are adult women and not interfere in their lives. I also have to acknowledge their right to be as concerned about me as I am about them. I have been lucky to have the example of my in-laws, Betty and Don who did not interfere and were always supportive.

Harriet would sometimes say that she used to be the mother and I the child, now I was the mother and she the child. I hope that when the time comes for me to surrender to the circumstances I will do it with grace and not give my daughters a hard time. I figure I have another thirty years or so to kick up my heels. So darlings, don't worry about me- too much.


Sunday, November 4, 2012

Realistic Expectations


I'm on a dating site and decided to see who visited my profile. I didn't read all of this mans answers to questions but he seemed a decent sort although not very local. He is 70, which is not outside my upper limits. One of the things he said he couldn't live without was his heart doctor. He also admitted to only reading 2 novels. (Well maybe he likes non fiction?) OK, OK, OK, maybe not such a winner. This is what he is looking for: Women 40-71. Yes that is right, women as much as 30 years younger and up to ONE year older. What a prize, what delusions.

I would like to think that at 60, and a couple of pounds extra, I am still attractive. But based on the amount of interest I get, I think that attractiveness is not very strong for most people. That is OK, I'm working to reduce my gut. I know I want someone to be in fairly good shape too. But this guy? He actually thinks he has something so compelling women 30 years younger will want him? Or even 20 years? And he has the audacity to dismiss anyone older than he is.

I used to live in a place with a tiny, high mirror in the bathroom. By standing on tiptoe I could see my entire face. By standing on the toilet, I could check out different parts of my body. I never did get the whole picture. But sometimes, I would spend a lot of time on eye makeup and leave the house convinced I was stunning. Later, I could be in a store or public place with full length mirrors, catch sight of myself and, in the words of Christine Lavin, ask, "What was I thinking?" Because what I thought was going on and the appearance I was presenting were two different things. I am remembering the story of when a group of blind people got to touch an elephant. Their impressions varied from something thin and swishy, the tail, to something strong as a tree, the leg, to something like a snake and something as broad as a wall. No one could see the whole animal.

I'm not going to say I am not judging the guy who loves his heart doctor. Of course I am. But does he have a realistic view of himself? I really don't think so. Pivot these thoughts around towards ourselves. Do we have realistic views of our own selves? I really don't think so. When I see young women disparage their beautiful bodies with false ideals, or see how inappropriately some dress, I want to hold up the full length mirror. I want to say, look, look at how lovely you are. I want to say wear jeans that make your pretty butt look good. I want to tell men young and old, pull up your pants! I want to say all kinds of things.

But mainly I need to talk to myself. I need to say, stop judging, walk a mile in his/her shoes. I need to tell myself to be the best, and kindest person I can be. I need to tell myself to be the love I would like to find.