Another day of living

What a strange and wonderful day this has been. I am thinking of old cousin Harriet right now. When asked about her secret to long life she would say she said her prayers each night thankful of her blessings, let all resentments go and wake up each morning looking forward to the day ahead. She didn't dwell on the past or worry about the future. She was a very cool old lady.

I woke up this morning feeling well. Why I went back to bed after breakfast I do not know. I started to think about this evening and thought my son-in-law might like to listen to some friends of mine in a band. Spoke to him and he thought it sounded fun. About one o'clock Eri came over. I was surprised to see her but she told me she had been let go from her job. She was still in her 90 day probationary period. It wasn't a very good job but I guess she wasn't the right fit. She was not too upset, but it is hard all the same. I asked if she would come listen to music but she doubted it.

An hour or so later, out of the blue came a call from an old high school friend. We had rediscovered each other on facebook. She has been going through a hard time and I sent her my phone number if she wanted to call. We wound up talking for over an hour. It is so funny to talk to someone from NY. They say my name in a very particular way, sort of Caaarol. After about 45 minutes she told me I was starting to sound like my own self. I was probably picking up NY. My friend is depressed and I know how hard that can be. One of the hardest parts is getting help. We all need advocates and my friend is alone. Believe me, getting mental health services is very difficult. I hope our talk helped her. I know that it helped me see that although I am not where I want to be financially, I am for the most part pretty happy with my life.

Later in the afternoon a counselor from HIRED called me. He had been given my case and wanted to know how he could help me. I ranted for awhile about applying online and not even getting electronic acknowledgement of application. Next week he is going to have me work with a electronic resume specialist. Couldn't hurt.

Tonight I went out to the Hopkins American Legion to hear my friends play music. Their band is called Uncle Funky and they are an extremely competent cover band. I do not understand this Legion post. Hardly anyone goes there. Huge bar and dance area and just a handful of people. I sat with a couple of friends at the only occupied table. One couple danced and Sherri took pity on me and danced with me once. I went up to 5 old farts at the bar and not one of them would dance. Oh my gods, when you can't even get an old fart at the legion hall to dance... maybe I will post on Craig's List "58 yr old woman wants to go dancing. Must be able to laugh. Must be self supporting and able to hold a conversation." Whaddaya think?

I think tonight I will emulate cousin Harriet and thank the Creator for my blessings and hope to wake up tomorrow with a good attitude. I forgive all who have hurt me and ask forgiveness from those I have hurt.

An evening of winning and losing

I've started going back to a friendly Tuesday night meet-up with nice people, some singles, some married. It is a traveling meet sometimes in Savage or St Paul. Tonight it was in Hopkins, just down the street. I went and sat with friends while enjoying a veggie burger and tater tots. Gosh those are great junk. Since I am always my own designated driver, I don't drink. Tonight I stuck with water.

It was bar trivia night and we made a little team and called it the Ho Ho's because we were jolly and love chocolate. It also sounded a little nasty. Oh I am a wild one, competitive too. About three quarters of the way through two teammates left and a new friend joined our group. He was a tall good looking guy similar to Bill Clinton in size and coloring. I did not tell him that. We did well on the first round getting ten out of ten and eight out of ten on the next. Not so great on the third round but I was having fun. I sat down next to the new guy and we were having fun getting to know each other.

I remember talking with my sister-in-law several years ago and telling her that if I had to date again I just wouldn't do it. The reality is that one gets lonely. I am terrified of rejection and would never just go sit at a bar and wait to get picked up. Who has the patience for that? Not me. So I have joined groups. I actually wrote my number on a piece of paper and because I thought I would like to see him again sometime, I gave it to him.

Now to the winning. My team won trivia! I got a $20. gift card to use the next time we meet at that place. That was cool.

Now to the losing. In an instant the subject turned to politics. He is an Obama basher who loved Bush. He accused me of being an Obama worshiper and gave me back my number. I don't worship Obama, and I am not crazy about some of his policies. I mentioned that Bush suborned the Constitution and this guy said Obama has done much worse and they are all crooks. There is no talking to someone with a closed mind. Just try me on the subject of the Bush Administration. I'm as closed as they come.

At the end of the day I'm starting to think it is all winning. I won trivia and I put myself out there. I met someone and I didn't have to kiss him to find out he is a frog. I still have half a sandwich and a gift card, yep, I'm a winner all the way.

Another use for old undies

I have trouble. Trouble cleaning, trouble sneezing, and trouble throwing things away if there is the slightest possibility of ever being used again. Today I conquered all. (Hey it is my blog and I'll write what I want).

I sneezed while sitting at the computer and eating cereal. The LCD screen and surrounding area got spotted. I looked up cleaning laptop screens and found the correct way to do it by using distilled water and very soft cloth. Those old cotton panties that I shouldn't wear performed perfectly.

To critics I say, "That is why I have these old worn out panties!" So there, and na na na na na.

It is funny, during my marriage I wore old nighties and granny panties. When I started sweating so much at night I bought a slew of new nighties because I needed up to 3 a night. When I started dating I went and bought some nice new microfiber undies. Not bikinis, but not quite granny either. It didn't matter that no one was going to see them. I just needed to know I wouldn't be embarrassed if anyone did.

We have all heard it a thousand times but it bears repeating. Don't take your spouse for granted. Don't get too comfortable. Wear your nice things for him or her. Treat them as not something that is always there, but as someone precious who you are grateful to have in your life.

Please listen, you don't always get a second chance.

When the going gets tough...

... the tough go shopping!

I have two daughters who I admire so much. If they go to the mall to buy a pair of jeans and the first pair fits, they buy the jeans. Their mother, on the other hand, has to try on every pair of jeans in the mall and then gets too tired and confused to buy any. Last Saturday we moved the fridge out of the kitchen and into the dining/living area. The motor continued to run but the compressor or whatever stopped sending out cold air. Uh oh. That happens very often with older appliances; move them from the place where they have been for 20 or 30 years and they go belly up. So, I had to go shopping.

I started out at Appliance Mart and did not see anything wonderful or wonderfully priced. Off to Best Buy where they would give me a lot of credit for no interest for 18 months. But I wanted to buy American and everything would have to be ordered and it would take at least two weeks. Then Sears, then Home Depot and finally Lowes. At Lowes I bought a larger Whirlpool fridge, and an over the stove microwave and for another $212.00, a new dishwasher, too. Who knows if this old one would work again when reinstalled. I insisted on made in America and I got it at a good price. The energy savings on the fridge alone are huge, something like $49.00 a year to run.

I do not want appliances built in Mexico or South Korea or Indonesia. Is it because these appliances are poorly built? Not at all. It is because I want to protect the industry in the United States while expressing my feelings. The workers in those other countries are getting a fraction of what American workers are getting yet the prices are very comparable. Who is getting rich and who is getting screwed?

I saw a Santoku kitchen knife at Macy's. It was made by Wusthof in Germany and cost about $170.00. It is a thing of beauty made by skilled artisans making a good wage. I saw a good Santoku knife at IKEA that was about $17.00. It works very well. I might be a hypocrite for buying it. I know the workers aren't making a good wage, yet it was reasonably priced considering the overhead. They didn't say it was the same as Wusthof and did not charge as much. I guess we all chose our battles and have reasons for what we do.

Because the fridge died I had to wash containers that had been in the freezer. I stood in the bathroom and did dishes in the basin. The radio was on and one of the sponsors was a water awareness foundation. Here I was with running hot and cold water right at my fingertips. I had a small sink to use with pipes that took away the waste. There are millions and millions of people in this world with limited access to safe, clean water. I knew as a child that eating the peas on my plate would not help the starving children in India. Does making sure not to run extra water make a difference in Minnesota, the land of lakes? I don't know. For a long time I have been wondering about where to put my do-gooder energy. Human and economic rights are dear to me and I have been political for a long time. Child abuse, corruption, wasteful packaging, animal rights, sexual slavery, the list goes on and on. We do have to choose where to put our energy. I am going to try to work for the right for all people to have safe and clean water. There is no argument that anyone can support against it. Watch this space for updates.

Is it a real friendship or only social networking?

Years ago someone wrote to Miss Manners saying that she and her husband used to work as executives at a large corporation. They did a ton of entertaining with people who worked there. They felt they made some real and lasting friends but when they retired, all those work friends seemed to melt away. The writer wanted to know what had happened to their social life. Miss Manners gently pointed out that they had confused work relationships for friendship. When the proximity and shared interests were no longer there, neither was the relationship.

So too can be the "friends" we make online. I had an example of this brought home to me recently. I used to belong to an adults only website and had a wonderful time corresponding with people all over the country. Many of those same people are on facebook and I kept up the social networking. One of those contacts is going to be in my area and I wanted to meet while they were here. I was told that we really did not have anything in common and there was no interest in meeting. Ah well. At first I had that immediate rejection reaction and then I realized it was refreshing to be told the truth. Why waste time? Although I have many people marked as friends on my profile, I realize not all of them are friends. Some are just part of this social networking phenomena.

My email name is friendindeedy. It comes from the saying, "A friend in need is a friend indeed, but an all the time friend is better." If you have me marked as one of your friends, I AM your friend, whether we have met or only corresponded. And if you don't really want or appreciate my friendship, just delete me. I won't mind.

What a mess!

My back hurts from bending over and picking up shards of wallboard. What a mess. There is so much to pick up and it seems like as much as I pick up, there is more left to do. What a mess. Wires hanging down, watch out for nails. There is so much dust. Everything is covered in white dust. Man, what a mess.

I think about those pictures I have seen of Pakistan, China, Chile, and Haiti. What a mess. What monumental job to clear away the rubble; where does one begin? I have seen film of the destruction left by floods, all the mess and all the mold. I don't know how people survive. Is it because everyone is in the same predicament that they can go on, working together to make new lives? I don't know. I think about New Orleans and wonder if it will ever be cleaned up. The poor Haitians, where is the light at the end of the tunnel for them?

I am redoing a small kitchen. There is an end in sight. There is a small amount of dust and dirt and the knowledge that within two months everything will be beautiful. And if not beautiful, clean and efficient.

How lucky I am. There are no bodies under my rubble. This is not a disaster although it certainly looks like one. This is a choice, oh lucky me. How can I complain about anything when life has been so good to me, and I have a dusty bed to lie in tonight to count my blessings. My apartment is a good and true mess, but I am blessed with life and the knowledge it is a blessing. Is my life a mess? Only if I want it to be.

Thank you S, thank you Erica, thank you Johnny Angel (you're an angel to me).

Get out of the kitchen...

Or should I say, get the kitchen out of this place? Tomorrow S and John and Eri and Gavin are coming over to break down walls and get rid of cabinets. It is going to be a mess and I am excited to get started. I am not taking any pictures this time because I don't want any reminder of just how awful this kitchen is. I just want to enjoy the new. At the old place I took before and after pictures because I was proud of my yogurt colors kitchen and the lovely maple one that replaced it.

Nobody gets the kitchen of their dreams. This one will certainly be nicer than the one it is replacing, but it will be nowhere as nice as the one I left behind. Sometimes I think I miss the kitchen and the porch more than anything else at the house. It took a long time to decide to redo the kitchen and I didn't think I would be the one leaving it. We had the money for about nine months before S told me to order the cabinets. I loved the maple and the jade-like counters, the deep sink and modern faucet. I loved the turntable corner cabinets and the surprise ironing board in a drawer. Ah well.

It will be interesting to decide what goes where. It will be interesting to see where I put the silverware. Even after years of reaching for the forks on the right in the new kitchen, I still would automatically go to the left from the old set up. I don't have an idea of what color I will paint things and if I might put up some tile as a back splash. I don't know what kind of floor I will put down either. Using the old appliances is saddening, but it all comes down to dollars. One day I will get a nice fridge again.

I built the old kitchen with the understanding that we would stay married. It hasn't worked out that way. These past two years I lived in the house in such misery I rarely cooked anyway. This is part of my new start. Not a kitchen as a dream, but as a practicality. Veneers instead of solid, Formica instead of stone. I don't know how much cooking I will do.

Maybe I will be a career girl bringing home takeout. Only time will tell and I am grateful for the time and the freedom and the love that is being shown to me by my family. One good thing about marrying a good man, he stays good even when the marriage is over. I appreciate S, still.

It only takes a minute

I brought the old lady a new lamp today. It is a cheap gooseneck in bright fushia with a low energy bulb. She needs it to put on her makeup. Ninety-six years old and legally blind, she still wants to look her best. Frankly, she doesn't do too badly.

I told the old man I bought the old lady a lamp and he wanted to see it. I started out of the living room and there was a bang. He had gotten up too fast and fell over knocking the old lady over too. The glass top on the little table got knocked off and there was candy and nuts everywhere. The old lady was able to get up once I pulled his weight off her, but the old man just was confused. He could not figure out how to get up on his knees and pull himself up on the couch. Somehow I got him up. He is so frail and brittle, it is amazing he did not break a hip. Thank goodness the old lady takes the bone strengthener. She was unhurt but the surprise made her pee her pants. What a circus.

It only takes a moment for a life changing experience to occur. They both could have been terribly hurt. The old lady told him in no uncertain terms that he was to use the walker when they went to the dining room for dinner. He agreed.

I know this is the beginning of the end for him. It hurts me to see him so frail and confused. He doesn't understand why he is so weak. He doesn't understand how much he is declining. The other day he wore a crazy outfit. Not that that is anything new, but this was so very weird. He wore a torn t shirt with a Golden Nugget logo on it under a suit. If there is anything the old man is, it is vain about dressing nicely. If he was in his right mind he would never wear that. Sure he has never understood color, but he would never wear something worn out.

I hope it is quick. Who thought they would still be alive five years later?

Feeling liberated

I am not someone who quietly grows like a lotus. I am someone who springs up like a weed. I am someone who can not keep a secret, nor do I want to. Being told I couldn't talk about the demise of my marriage was a cancer to me. I rotted on the inside and a foul odor surrounded me I am sure. The isolation I felt was debilitating. I never want to feel that shut up again.

Some time ago I started to rediscover my femininity. It was fun and liberating and I needed to talk about it. I needed somewhere safe and non judging. I needed to talk and be listened to, I needed support. I was lucky enough to find an adult website that fulfilled these requirements and blogged my heart out for about a year. Then my membership ran out and I couldn't justify the cost of joining again. For six months I tried blogging other places and was not satisfied. Mainly because I didn't get feedback and support. So I joined again for half a year. I started posting more of my general blogs here on this site, and although I got lots of feedback on the other site, I have only gotten six responses here. Once more I let my paid membership go.

It has been two days and I am feeling liberated from the addiction I had to checking responses on the other site. How many people read my blog? How many responded? Who else has posted? Do I have any responses? What is going on in the forums and how can I have spent all day there? Guess what? I don't miss it at all.

I am hoping that more people will read my blogs and find them interesting. During the last year I have found myself blogging about my thousand year old parents and their antics, and more general subjects. I am realizing I need to make more connections and not just rely on the people who stumble by. Here's the deal, I'll read and reply to you, if you will read and reply to me. What a bargain! Cheap at twice the price.

Mr Bigstuff, who do you think you are?

There comes a time when hearing aid users need servicing. Both the old lady and the old man needed theirs worked on and I made an appointment to have them see S. He is selling more in 2 days than we used to sell in a month when we were in business for ourselves. (Sigh) Incredibly busy but if he has a few moments between appointments he will try to deal with walk-ins.

He was still helping a woman when we arrived and there was a very large man waiting outside the test booth. I asked him to move so I could sit my parents down. I asked if he had an appointment? He answered with a strong Russian accent he just dropped by to see S. I told him that we made an appointment. The assistant asked if he wanted to schedule a time to see S. No, he would come back sometime.

Finally the woman left and as S escorted my folks into the booth he asked where Mr E had gone. That is Mr E? Our eldest used to swim with his youngest. I said I told him we had an appointment and he should make one. S said he never does, just expects to be waited on.

Mr E was an incredibly powerful business man. He was CEO of a fortune 500 company and flew about the world in a private plane. He had assistants and his assistants had assistants. It was a huge deal if he ever came to a swim meet. Now he is retired and expects to be treated more importantly than others. But he isn't Mr E of the big company. He is just another customer and my thousand year old parents, who had an appointment, usurped his assumption of personal importance.

I have been reading a book about ignoble things royalty has done and said and the way they died. No matter who you think you are, you live and then you die. It is how you treat others that counts more than what others think of you.

Mr E! S will see you and fix your hearing aid ... you just have to make an
appointment.

Noisy!

This condo is quiet. I mean really quiet. I am on ground level with spancrete above me and a fire wall between me and my widowed neighbor. Sometimes I hear the elevator and some plumbing. Usually, I don't hear anything. Since it has warmed up, the birds have been chirping nonstop.

This morning I heard children laughing. So cool. I love it. And this afternoon all kinds of people are on their balconies. My building opens onto a park filled with people. Easter Sunday in Minnesota. Not too many bonnets, but families everywhere.

Easter is not from my tradition. I did small baskets for the girls when they were young. They were shocked, and I mean shocked when I didn't do baskets after they were out of high school. I did buy everyone a Dove solid bunny and make Matzoh Brei for breakfast, though. These past years with just S sometimes around even that has gone by the wayside.

I saw S on Monday and made a list of some things I would like from the house; my bicycle and planters. We also have to do taxes. He told me he would come over Sunday afternoon. I just called him. He said I bet you are wondering where I am. Our daughter and her husband had been over at the house getting their bikes and he was just loading up my stuff. I told him where to dump the dirt from the planters and we laughed. Whether he gets here before dark is anyone's guess and whether he will have the papers I asked for is doubtful. It is too easy relax into old habits and expectations. I found myself going there and stopped. I looked at what I was doing and made myself stop.

I had been feeling a little blue. Poor me, all alone on Easter, not invited to be with anyone. How I was missing my old life. No chocolate bunny, nobody to share the Matzoh Brei. Big deal. Not a big deal at all. Just a beautiful spring day, the sun is shining and children shrieking while the the birds endlessly sing.