The old lady laments that she can't have nostalgia with the old man because he doesn't remember anything. The old man says there is nothing worth remembering, that these are the good old days. Maybe he is right. But if you don't remember the past do you ever learn anything? I want to remember this time and enjoy it too. Not everyday is a party, but isn't everyday a time to love?
Our honorary niece, Crystal, married her love high on top of a ski slope on Saturday. We took the chair lift to a sweet tented pavilion set up for the ceremony. Looking down we could see this beautiful, verdant area and because the sky was so clear we could see downtown Minneapolis. The words were simple and simply said, to love each other. Our extended family sat together in a state of bliss. We were loving love and that expression of love by two people we loved. I think we all got a little verklempt when we saw the lovely bride and when she and Mark faced each other and held hands.
I know that time of marriage with S is over. I don't really miss him as much as I miss working towards the goal of a good life together. As I watched Crystal and Mark, I wanted so much to tell them not to let life get them down. Let life bring you together.
This evening I took the old man and old lady to Chez Daniel in Bloomington. They love the rack of lamb, which is cooked to order. We spent a very easy two and a half hours in a nice setting enjoying good food. We did not have to go anywhere and the old lady said it was like being on vacation. I think back to when they first came out here and the agony of eating out with them. Being in a state of peacefulness and love certainly helped to enjoy the meal. I did not get indigestion. Were they any better? Not at all. My father was rude to the wait assistant and my mother took out her teeth and rinsed them in the water glass.
The awareness of love is a gift. Although it is always there, surrounding us and keeping us alive, the recognition of love is precious. And for all the times I forget, right now I am remembering that the time to love is now.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Mother's helper
The old lady called and told me there is something wrong with her TV. She hears a voice at about three in the morning yelling, "Wake up, wake up!" followed by the sound of birds. She said she has heard the birds for a couple of days but last night was the first time she heard the wake up words. I can't find any alarm on her set or on the remote. I called Dynex and spoke to someone with a heavy accent who assured me that any kind of alarm on the set would be a beep. The old lady wears a talking watch and while I was there it announced that it was 10 AM. Since it was late afternoon I knew her watch was wrong. How she got it fapoopled I don't know. I said I thought the setting for the alarm was off, too, and that she must have selected something other than the usual rooster. She insists it is the TV.
The old man wasn't wearing his dentures and hearing aids. He was taking tiny little shuffling steps, and wasn't using words, just a kind of sign language. He is a mess and I got him talking and when I asked him if he was wearing his teeth he was genuinely amazed to realize he hadn't put them in. The little radio/cd player he takes out to the gazebo is screwed up and I left with a talking watch, the radio and the realization that these people are exceeding all life expectancies at 95 and 96. I thought last summer was the last time the old man would go in the lake but he surprised us and was able to float around with Erica twice this summer. I can't imagine, even if he makes it another year, that he will be able to go in the lake again.
This evening was the last Wednesday concert for the summer at Wolfe Lake Park. The Sounds of Simon is a very talented Simon and Garfunkel tribute band. Once again I am in awe of the poetry and songwriting skills of Paul Simon and grateful to be living in a lovely area. I thank again the people who have made it possible to be here and also there for my parents when they need me.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
How not to impress me
Be careful what you wish for! I mentioned that I would like to meet a man who isn't shy and is an interesting conversationalist. I said I was tired of carrying the conversation. Well! I forgot to say make sure he lets you talk too and is not a windbag. Everyday is another learning experience. The lesson? None of us is as interesting as we think we are. Hence the short entry.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Pride and Papa
There is an old saying that pride goeth before a fall. I think it doesn't have to be before a fall; it can be before a step down. When I first lost my job, I was confident I would have a new one before the unemployment ran out. I was not going to take a job that paid less than what I was making. That did not happen. Here is another way of looking at it. Using "goeth" for goes, pride must leave before one can take a step down. One must get rid of pride before anything can happen. Five years later pride is gone, I am open. I am at a point financially that I became willing to look at jobs that I otherwise would not consider.
Today I took a drug test to prove that I am safe to hand out samples at Costco. (In fact I had to take three because I didn't give them enough the first two times. Not much pride in sitting in a waiting room for hours nursing cups of water.) I am excited to have a job. I hope I am good at it and don't lose my cool with the customers. As soon as they get back the criminal background check, I'll start my training. (Veggie chips? Right over here sir.)
Yesterday I had to take the old man to the dermatologist where they carved away a little more of his skin, this time on his arm. While we were in the car I told him about the job and the criminal check. I joked that those ten years at Leavenworth will look bad on my record. Then I asked him if he ever was in jail and he answered, "Sure." I asked what for and he told me because he had nowhere to stay. He was thirteen or fourteen. How many times? He thought maybe eight times. Then I asked him what happened, where did he go after jail? Did he find a place to stay? He went back to the streets and found a grate. My heart broke for that poor scared child. I never knew that.
He had a mother and a father, grandparents and cousins and no one to take him in. He wasn't a bad child, a thief or a criminal, just unwanted and overlooked. He is deeply flawed, and in his mind he did his best to keep his family together after my mother died. He provided a home and a step mother. He was a madman it is true. It was only when he was 90 and started taking antidepressants that he became a fairly decent person and still he can be awful.
The Dalai Lama talks all the time about compassion. It is only by imagining ourselves in another persons place that we can try to understand and have that compassion. When we were kids we'd ask the old man where he went to college and he would respond, "The school of hard knocks." He has kept most of his early life a secret, let out in dribs and drabs as he ages. It was hard to have any compassion for him before I knew the story of the orphan asylum. We only knew what we could see, and what we saw was violence and anger. Yet there would be glimpses of a loving heart at times. I've had compassion for the man who lost his wife and had three children to raise and compassion for the father who lost his twenty-one year old son. But I had no compassion for the way he was because I didn't understand how he got that way. Having that compassion makes it hard to stay mad at the stuff he says and does.
The medical intuitive Carolyn Myss says that there are entities we meet before birth with whom we make a sacred contract to achieve a goal in this life. I thought for quite a while that maybe the old man was here for me to learn forgiveness, but maybe I am here to help him end his life feeling safe and secure. (Either way, I still want to end it with him this incarnation.)
Today I took a drug test to prove that I am safe to hand out samples at Costco. (In fact I had to take three because I didn't give them enough the first two times. Not much pride in sitting in a waiting room for hours nursing cups of water.) I am excited to have a job. I hope I am good at it and don't lose my cool with the customers. As soon as they get back the criminal background check, I'll start my training. (Veggie chips? Right over here sir.)
Yesterday I had to take the old man to the dermatologist where they carved away a little more of his skin, this time on his arm. While we were in the car I told him about the job and the criminal check. I joked that those ten years at Leavenworth will look bad on my record. Then I asked him if he ever was in jail and he answered, "Sure." I asked what for and he told me because he had nowhere to stay. He was thirteen or fourteen. How many times? He thought maybe eight times. Then I asked him what happened, where did he go after jail? Did he find a place to stay? He went back to the streets and found a grate. My heart broke for that poor scared child. I never knew that.
He had a mother and a father, grandparents and cousins and no one to take him in. He wasn't a bad child, a thief or a criminal, just unwanted and overlooked. He is deeply flawed, and in his mind he did his best to keep his family together after my mother died. He provided a home and a step mother. He was a madman it is true. It was only when he was 90 and started taking antidepressants that he became a fairly decent person and still he can be awful.
The Dalai Lama talks all the time about compassion. It is only by imagining ourselves in another persons place that we can try to understand and have that compassion. When we were kids we'd ask the old man where he went to college and he would respond, "The school of hard knocks." He has kept most of his early life a secret, let out in dribs and drabs as he ages. It was hard to have any compassion for him before I knew the story of the orphan asylum. We only knew what we could see, and what we saw was violence and anger. Yet there would be glimpses of a loving heart at times. I've had compassion for the man who lost his wife and had three children to raise and compassion for the father who lost his twenty-one year old son. But I had no compassion for the way he was because I didn't understand how he got that way. Having that compassion makes it hard to stay mad at the stuff he says and does.
The medical intuitive Carolyn Myss says that there are entities we meet before birth with whom we make a sacred contract to achieve a goal in this life. I thought for quite a while that maybe the old man was here for me to learn forgiveness, but maybe I am here to help him end his life feeling safe and secure. (Either way, I still want to end it with him this incarnation.)
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Wake Up Call
I usually wake up quite early, feed the kitten and myself and go back to bed for a few hours. (Sounds tough, I know.) This morning I woke up for the second time on my knees by the bed holding my head. I had no idea how I got there or why I was seeing stars. It felt like I had smashed my head on a car door. The only thing I can figure out is that I must have fallen out of bed and hit the corner of the night table on my way down. I got a package of frozen food and put it on the lump and kept it there until my forehead was numb. The cold pack was probably a good move because what could have been a huge ugly bruise is only a slightly discolored lump and can be covered with hair.
I am calling this my wake up call to remind me to get up and enjoy the day I have been given and this precious life. I can sleep when I'm dead. I am also going to sleep more centrally in the middle of the bed.
Addendum: 8 AM, up, dressed, bed made, good breakfast, cat fed, litter box cleaned. No going back to bed today.
I am calling this my wake up call to remind me to get up and enjoy the day I have been given and this precious life. I can sleep when I'm dead. I am also going to sleep more centrally in the middle of the bed.
Addendum: 8 AM, up, dressed, bed made, good breakfast, cat fed, litter box cleaned. No going back to bed today.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
How I am doing
Since we only have this moment, I mean this one, not the one that just passed, no, no, this one... well you get the idea, I am doing fine, this moment. Beautiful breakfast of tuna salad made with wasabe mayonnaise and dill weed on caraway rye and very garlicky marinated cucumber salad. If people have pancakes for dinner, why not lunch for breakfast? It makes sense to me. (Sometimes I love being a grown-up.) I have had a lot of ups and downs these past two weeks, but since I only have this fleeting now, I choose to let those experiences go and focus on the positive now.
I am in a 16 week diabetes research study where I have to record all my numbers and now in the fifth week I am adjusting insulin to the data I submitted. It is a study for a new computer program that will advise dosages on a personal scale that goes according to blood glucose. It is hard to explain.
Furry little Piper is doing well. His abscess is gone and I don't think I have to give him any more antibiotic. He is full of beans and into everything. He is not an abandoned baby anymore but a cute and cuddly six week old growing every day. There has never been an ugly kitten, but gosh, he is so cute. If he hadn't fallen in my lap this way, I would have adopted an older cat. I forgot how much energy kittens take! He needs lots of playtime and has wrestled my arm and hand into submission. He gives little bites, but does not break skin. The one good thing about having neuropathy in my feet is he can chew toes and it doesn't hurt. He enjoys the computer, watching fingers fly and laying his head on the warm laptop. Sometimes he sleeps in a position that looks just like the tiger in Calvin and Hobbes. I had the opportunity to drive cross country with my daughter but what would I do with the kitten? Hmm, a complication I hadn't thought about. As my father would say, "Caught like a rat in a trap!" More like caught like a pet owner with a new pet.
I've applied for an $11. an hour part time job. I sure hope I am not overqualified. Why did I attach my resume? Knucklehead. I have also been in my pool almost every day this summer and have actually lost two whole pounds in the last month. Instead of looking at it as just a fraction of how much more I need to lose, I am looking at it as two pounds I didn't gain. There is perspective for you, clear thinking and positive outlook. Wouldn't you hire me?
The phone just rang! She will interview me on Tuesday at 1:30. Be still my heart!
I am in a 16 week diabetes research study where I have to record all my numbers and now in the fifth week I am adjusting insulin to the data I submitted. It is a study for a new computer program that will advise dosages on a personal scale that goes according to blood glucose. It is hard to explain.
Furry little Piper is doing well. His abscess is gone and I don't think I have to give him any more antibiotic. He is full of beans and into everything. He is not an abandoned baby anymore but a cute and cuddly six week old growing every day. There has never been an ugly kitten, but gosh, he is so cute. If he hadn't fallen in my lap this way, I would have adopted an older cat. I forgot how much energy kittens take! He needs lots of playtime and has wrestled my arm and hand into submission. He gives little bites, but does not break skin. The one good thing about having neuropathy in my feet is he can chew toes and it doesn't hurt. He enjoys the computer, watching fingers fly and laying his head on the warm laptop. Sometimes he sleeps in a position that looks just like the tiger in Calvin and Hobbes. I had the opportunity to drive cross country with my daughter but what would I do with the kitten? Hmm, a complication I hadn't thought about. As my father would say, "Caught like a rat in a trap!" More like caught like a pet owner with a new pet.
I've applied for an $11. an hour part time job. I sure hope I am not overqualified. Why did I attach my resume? Knucklehead. I have also been in my pool almost every day this summer and have actually lost two whole pounds in the last month. Instead of looking at it as just a fraction of how much more I need to lose, I am looking at it as two pounds I didn't gain. There is perspective for you, clear thinking and positive outlook. Wouldn't you hire me?
The phone just rang! She will interview me on Tuesday at 1:30. Be still my heart!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping again
First off, Baby Piper is doing just fine. The vet was able to drain his abscess and formulate a tick medicine for his weight. I've washed all the bedding again though I look awful with scabby bites all over my body. They wouldn't be so bad if I didn't scratch, so of course I scratch all the time. Time for Benadryl or it's generic equal and off to Walgreens.
Then to the Unique Thrift Store for some bargains. I love the Unique. You can find what you are looking for and other things not even on the radar. I didn't buy the dolls from the 50th anniversary of It's A Beautiful Life, or another glass bowl or stuffed dog. But I did get what I went there for, a Diaper Genie! I don't have an infant nor do I provide daycare, but I am cleaning out a catbox daily. This gets rid of the paper bag and the mess and smell. $3.95 well spent. I also got a standing lamp and shade, a like-new cat carrier and (drum roll please) a genuine Louis Vuitton handbag shaped like a bowling bag.
It is over $1,400.00 new, $500 used on eBay and mine for $5.95. It has a tiny tear on the lower piping and shows use on the inside, but I am jazzed. Will I keep it or give it away? If this is something your heart has been crying for, let me know. I truly believe that possessions find their owners.
Then to the Unique Thrift Store for some bargains. I love the Unique. You can find what you are looking for and other things not even on the radar. I didn't buy the dolls from the 50th anniversary of It's A Beautiful Life, or another glass bowl or stuffed dog. But I did get what I went there for, a Diaper Genie! I don't have an infant nor do I provide daycare, but I am cleaning out a catbox daily. This gets rid of the paper bag and the mess and smell. $3.95 well spent. I also got a standing lamp and shade, a like-new cat carrier and (drum roll please) a genuine Louis Vuitton handbag shaped like a bowling bag.
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