Friday, September 18, 2009

Lousy haircut

A while ago I talked about leaving my hairdresser of many years and finding someone new. I left Katie, not because she wouldn't do the hair for Eri's Sunday wedding, but because of the way she rejected the idea. She did not say sorry she didn't work weekends or that if she did it for me she would have to do it for others. She just brushed me off saying she didn't work weekends. Then it hit me, we were not friends, we were just customer and hairdresser. I found Gina who was kind of crazy but did nice work. Then she had hand surgery and someone else cut my hair and it was fine.

I had been letting it grow out and it was curly but out of shape. Today I went in and had a stranger cut my hair. She really was strange. She looked at least my age but was ten years younger, skinny, and I mean skinny, had teased black hair with a fire engine red streak and odd clothing. I told her what I wanted and then closed my eyes. I have a lot on my mind to think about and enjoyed the silence. When I opened my eyes I found she made my hair much shorter. Then she blew it out and I looked old.

I took a nap this afternoon and when I got up it looked better. Still too short, but not as old ladyish. And as I tell myself, it will grow. In the grand scheme of life, a rotten haircut is not much to worry about.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

God Wants Me To Know

There is an application on facebook called "God Wants You To Know". This is my message for today:


"On this day of your life, Carol, we believe God wants you to know... ... wealth does not come from your bank account, wealth comes from the depth of your heart.
What you really want is happiness. You might believe that a fat bank account will get you there, but that's false. Happy people are happy rich or poor, unhappy people are unhappy rich or poor. Money simply masks your real being by giving you activities to occupy your mind. Don't fool yourself, recession or not, your true wealth comes from your heart and is always only there."


Absolutely right! Now here comes the but...I need to pay bills, etc.


And suddenly I realize it is true. Wealth does come from my heart and the love I have inside. Wealth comes from appreciation of life. Wealth is more than money. It is true that we all need to take care of the physical side of life and there is nothing wrong about having enough to be comfortable and have a cushion. But wealth, real wealth comes from understanding the gift of life. From getting joy over seeing a leaf turn red or a baby in a papoose.


Those of you who know me, know I experience depression in varying degrees. I've had some hard days where I have felt like giving up, that I have nothing more to live for. That I was too old to do any good in this world and no one to experience love heart to heart. And I have had good days, where I see that life is playing out perfectly. I might not understand where the story is going, but I am enjoying the ride.


I love quirky movies. I like to sit down and not know what is going to happen. I want a surprise, a twist, a story within a story and an unpredictable plot line. I loved the first Rocky. I don't see all the movies about the underdog overcoming the front runner. I could write them myself.
Give me enthusiasm, give me fun. Make me laugh...God knows I do enough crying. And help me remember that true wealth comes from within.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Thoughts

At what point do I have to stop calling my younger daughter baby girl? To me she is a beautiful grown woman, but when I am concerned, she is still my baby girl. There was an article in USA today that says mothers and daughters should not be too close. That mothers need to let their daughters grow up, not become "best friends" but maintain a closeness that allows their daughters autonomy. Sounds good.

I have been blessed with a wonderful mother in law. She was there when I needed her but kept her nose out of my business. I want to be a wonderful mother and mother in law. I was recently concerned about her and used the phrase "I don't know what to do" and my brother in law told me I didn't have to do anything, it wasn't my problem. Wow. I have enough to do to take care of my parents and he was letting me know he was taking care of his. Fair enough, but I will be concerned and I will let her know I care and am there for her if she needs me.

This has been a funny Labor Day Weekend. I thought I might go away or to a party but mainly just took the folks out to a free outdoor concert at Lake Harriet and to dinner at the Chatterbox in Edina. Sunday I went to Big Lots and spent lots and today watched a video. It was Woody Allen's "Sweet and Lowdown". It was good, but not great. Wonderful performances by the ensemble but the story went nowhere. It was a "mockumentary", totally fabricated fiction. Not based on a real person at all. Just before the end I said I didn't know how they could end it. A moment later someone on screen says they don't know what became of the main character. I thought it was a cop-out.

I hope my baby girl feels better.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Warning: Feeling jangly


I am having a hard day and need to vent If you don't want to hear about it I won't mind if you leave. OK. Forewarned!

This month had more days than money and that is always hard.

I'm sad because I was going to be in my own place by September 1st and I am not. The person who I was going to share a house with could not commit and I can not find a place I can afford on my own. We have not been preapproved for a mortgage so I can't go forward on getting a condo. I do not have a job so cannot get my own health insurance and a divorce. I feel like I am falling into the pit of despair and know that my attitude is going to make all the difference in the world. I am also feeling as hormonal as anything.


Still having computer problems so I am typing this at the library. Hennepin County Library is really wonderful and has a ton of computers both out in the main room and here in the Lab. I like working in the computer lab because it is quiet. Just the sound of keyboards and scanners. Someone had a loud headset on and I asked him to turn it down and he attacked me. I asked if it was bothering anyone else and someone said yes. The guy asked why nobody said anything and I said, "Because they are Minnesotans!" Blessed silence.


I am not a Minnesotan although I have lived here longer than anywhere else in my life. I like it here but I do not have the homegrown reticence to avoid confrontation at all cost. I don't like making others feel uncomfortable, but I hate getting more and more resentful because no one is brave enough to say anything and call attention to themselves. Your right to listen to crappy music ends where my right to a quiet room begins. Your right to smoke ends where my right to breathe clean air begins.


I am on the horns of a dilemma. Someone came to my house and acted rude to me and my guests. Do I say something or let it pass? What if I see it as indicative of other, worse, behavior? Do I say something or let it pass? And the worst part is that I do not trust my own judgement. My father is a real piece of work. But then he can be so nice. Then he will treat me poorly and I will get mad because I trusted the good part more than the bad. So too, do I trust the rude guest. When he is good, he is very very good, but when he is bad, he is horrid. I want to believe that I am seeing aberrant behavior and that he isn't hurting someone I love dearly.


My marriage has gone south as the saying goes, but at one time it was good. I know what kindness looks like and I know what alarms me. The behavior I am seeing is not violent or verbally abusive, but it is not kind. It is passive aggressive and that is very hard to counteract.

Yesterday I did what I had to do for the old man. I bought him a new lamp, just what he wanted. I also dealt with some of his banking. He has little bits of money all over the place. I closed out one account for $600.00, transferred some from a savings to a money market, and wrote another check for $1500. from the money market into his everyday checking. Then I went to another obscure bank that he had found and transferred all of his $500. account into the old lady's account and closed that checking account. He asked me how much he actually has and I told him about $60,000. In truth, he has less than $10,000.

Someone on facebook has a dog on dialysis. I mentioned that I thought it was time to consider the quality of life and let the dog pass over that rainbow bridge to doggy heaven. A woman with MS says she supposes that I think she should be put on the bridge, too. Yeesh! There is a difference between dogs and humans! And just for the record, I think when life is too painful, and all quality is gone, people should have a choice. I know there is a difference between depression and end of life issues. Many people do not, so I guess to protect everyone we don't allow people to make that choice for themselves. At least legally we do not. If someone wants to die, they will arrange it somehow.

I remember how easy it was for Marshy. One moment she was alive, and before the injection was finished she was gone. I remember how Lily died in her own time, and up to that last day she was happy. And I remember how my little Siamese suffered up to and including the last trip to the vet. Marshy was in distress and we made the right decision. Lily seemed to be doing OK and I feel like we made the right decision, too. But Baby was in distress and we did not make the right decision. We let him suffer too long, when we could have eased his last few unhappy, disoriented days. I still feel bad about that, we just didn't think he would last so long.

Alright, here is an affirmation so anyone who reads this doesn't feel like putting their head under the blankets. "That which doesn't kill us, 1. makes us stronger, 2. teaches us something, 3. lets us keep on living." The other message which I am sending myself is to stop being such a drama queen and get over myself. Yeah, that's the ticket.