Surrender Carol

I have been thinking of the whole subject of surrender and what it means in this world and what it can mean spiritually. I am not a person who submits to idiot bosses and does stupid things just because someone tells me to. I can not and do not eat shit, nope, not even to keep a job. Yet sometimes I have to take myself in hand and ask if it would kill me to submit to keep peace. If it is not a big deal, sure. Whose ego needs the boost? I must say I am really getting mellow as I age. I used to fight about everything whether it was important or not. It was an exhausting way to live.

When I brought my thousand year old parents to live out here in 2005, I never thought they would last more than a few years and I was positive they wouldn't last five years. Well, my dad lasted six years and Mom is still alive at 98. It was a hard adjustment for all of us. In the 35 years since I'd left home I had not seen them very often, every year or two for a few days. And suddenly I was seeing them several times a week. Before the old man got sick I had weaned them down to just one day a week. For about a year now, though, we've been tied at the hip. It has always been my desire to make their end of life as easy as I can and have no regrets when they die. When the old man passed, I felt nothing but joy. I felt he had learned something in his life and moved on. When we moved the old lady to the nursing home, where she is getting wonderful care and is well liked by the staff, I thought she had maybe a week or two to live. She calls every morning wondering when I will take her home and when I will visit. It has been two months now and she is much stronger, but not strong enough to return to her assisted living apartment and I don't think she ever will.

So now it is up to me to surrender again. To say in my heart that I don't care how long it takes, I will be joyful and accepting. There is still something I have to learn and this is my time to learn it. Surrender resentments and ideas of how long things should take and surrender the time that this growth demands. Being here now is both harder and easier than it sounds. 

(Here is a funny anecdote. I went to see Harriet while she was at dinner. She had not eaten much and she told me that she hated the food. She hated the chopped meat. I looked at the dinner order and saw that her meat was ordered ground. I went to talk to the dietician to have it changed and as I left I heard her say, "Her sister was quiet, but that one you always knew was in the room!)

Starting an investigation.

Yesterday I met with a police investigator. He told me that Minnesota has statutes that define Cyber Stalking 609.749, and Cyber Harassment 609.795. He said they work closely with the FBI because the internet crosses state lines. Coincidently the anonymous person who has been posting vulgar and nasty remarks chose to send 5 replies to the last blog I wrote, R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

The investigator suggested I post what he told me and see if it stops. If not, he will start requesting isp addresses from Google, the administers of Blogspot. It can take a couple of weeks up to a few months.

Last warning! If you don't like what I have to say, don't read my blog. Every nasty reply has been saved on gmail and they all can be traced back to you.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I was watching a family eat lunch today. Three girls and their parents. The girls looked 6, 8, 10. The mother did not look happy and the father's back was facing me. One of the girls walked over to see what I was doing and I asked her if she had new sandals. Her dad came up behind her and said, "Third pair, the dogs ate the first two." I thought to myself that if my kid didn't learn after the second time she would be getting $1.99 Old Navy flip flops, not fancy Nikes. I said, "Well you better put them where they can't get them."

The dad wanted to know how much a new heating system would cost and I started my spiel. All three girls were standing real close and he said that the youngest gets antsy. I said I was sure she would understand that we were talking and could wait. Then the wife came over and he said they really do need to replace their furnace.  He asked about financing, but Costco does not finance.  He asked his wife what she thought and she said in a nasty tone of voice, "I think you are wasting my time if you can't pay for it." She showed huge disdain for him in front of the children. So I gave him a brochure and said to call when he was ready. As they walked away I noticed she was carrying a huge new Louis Vuitton bag that had to have cost a couple thousand dollars.

It wasn't a long scene but it did upset me. She disrespected her husband in public, in front of her children. She treated me as invisible. He was humiliated but did not fight back. My stomach was upset by her vituperative negative energy. I could see things so clearly, he was nothing but a paycheck to her and she did not like him because he was not making enough to keep her in the style she thought she should be kept. And you could see from his face that he was extended as far as he could go. I wanted him to think better of himself. I wanted him, as they say, to grow a pair. I could see how a man like that could flip out and kill his wife. I wanted him to run away and start a new life.

Husbands! Wives! Be kind to each other, treat each other with respect. Remember when you met and how much you wanted the good opinion of each other. Show your children how much you cherish each other. If you must be disdainful, think twice before speaking once, and for goodness sake, don't humiliate your spouse in front of your children.

I've thinking about my own life. Have I acted that way? Oh God I hope not. I know I have been out of control, sometimes crazed with anger or frustration and not very pleasant to be around. I hope that I have never made being cruel to another a habit. My marriage had some rough spots for sure, and each of us regrets particular actions or we'd still be married. But I think our children knew we respected each other. 

I tried to be kind the rest of the day. I'm going to try again tomorrow.