I have been thinking of the whole subject of surrender and what it means in this world and what it can mean spiritually. I am not a person who submits to idiot bosses and does stupid things just because someone tells me to. I can not and do not eat shit, nope, not even to keep a job. Yet sometimes I have to take myself in hand and ask if it would kill me to submit to keep peace. If it is not a big deal, sure. Whose ego needs the boost? I must say I am really getting mellow as I age. I used to fight about everything whether it was important or not. It was an exhausting way to live.
When I brought my thousand year old parents to live out here in 2005, I never thought they would last more than a few years and I was positive they wouldn't last five years. Well, my dad lasted six years and Mom is still alive at 98. It was a hard adjustment for all of us. In the 35 years since I'd left home I had not seen them very often, every year or two for a few days. And suddenly I was seeing them several times a week. Before the old man got sick I had weaned them down to just one day a week. For about a year now, though, we've been tied at the hip. It has always been my desire to make their end of life as easy as I can and have no regrets when they die. When the old man passed, I felt nothing but joy. I felt he had learned something in his life and moved on. When we moved the old lady to the nursing home, where she is getting wonderful care and is well liked by the staff, I thought she had maybe a week or two to live. She calls every morning wondering when I will take her home and when I will visit. It has been two months now and she is much stronger, but not strong enough to return to her assisted living apartment and I don't think she ever will.
So now it is up to me to surrender again. To say in my heart that I don't care how long it takes, I will be joyful and accepting. There is still something I have to learn and this is my time to learn it. Surrender resentments and ideas of how long things should take and surrender the time that this growth demands. Being here now is both harder and easier than it sounds.
(Here is a funny anecdote. I went to see Harriet while she was at dinner. She had not eaten much and she told me that she hated the food. She hated the chopped meat. I looked at the dinner order and saw that her meat was ordered ground. I went to talk to the dietician to have it changed and as I left I heard her say, "Her sister was quiet, but that one you always knew was in the room!)
I dont see it as surrendering. I see it as your giving yourself the right of acceptance. You have given both of your parents so much love and support it sounds like.
ReplyDeleteMy father died suddenly, my mother died earlier this year. My mother had Alzheimer's which ripped her memories away one by one. I was estranged from my mother for a very long time. She well, she had a mental illness. In the last year of her life, I learned to accept that she was never going to really change. Even before the Alzheimer's. She fought with all of us kids and even some of her grandkids tooth and nail. I was not about to let her get the best of me. Instead, when I had the chance to surrender and give you the fight - I learned what I was doing was not surrendering but accepting the fact She was not a happy person or a nice person at since my father passed. He was the calm in the storm.
It is not easy - but Carol you are not surrendering - you are loving and accepting.
You know then end may be soon. You have a lifetime of memories. It is hard when you see the parent who raised you slowly fade away... You want to continue to fight - and you can. Just remember you are accepting she may never go home. You are still in the fight.
Blessed Be
B