Could I be any more Freudian?

I was driving along the other day when I thought of the way I would love to leave this earthly life. I mean it is wonderful to live a long and healthy life and just pass away in sleep. But how many of us really get to do that? Realizing I had better watch my driving I forgot about it and concentrated on getting home safely. There are ways I definitely don't want to go, and painfully, in a crash, is high on THAT list.

I have been seeing a counselor to help deal with the stress of being around my father. That is a whole other story. We were talking about death when I remembered my fantasy while driving. This is what I told him:

"When I am old and decrepit and ready to die I want to go up in the space shuttle. Then I want to go out for a space walk. I will undo the wire keeping me to the ship and gently float out into space. By the time my air is gone I will have become a piece of space debris and eventually break up into atoms."

He looked at me and said, "Back to the womb? Cutting the cord?" I agreed but added that I wanted to go even further back, to before the sperm and egg collided. I wanted to go back to the components and before the components. He said, "You want to look down on it all and feel peace. But Carol, what are you going to do for the thirty years before you have that one or two hours of peace?" That is when the conversation got interesting. Because I didn't see it as a couple of hours of peace, I saw it as a transition and completion.

We talk morals, a lot. He wants to know why I am doing what I do for my parents. What percentage of it is for the pat on the head that will never come. How much am I doing it to be that good child? I think we came to the conclusion that it was about 29% or less. I argue that I want to do it for virtue being it's own reward. I am doing it because it is right. I am doing it because the person who I want to be does the right thing. He thinks, from the things I tell him that the old man will probably be dead in six months. That he will fade away. I told him I didn't think so. He told me I am on the brink of doing something extraordinary. "What?" I asked. He said I am not going to let the old man win.

I have to think about that for awhile.