Call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.

Call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.

Wow! That was a great first line. Now what? I'll come back to it...

Where has the time gone? What have I been doing? Why don't I have a job? Why am I not divorced and in my own place? Why, why, why? Ah, I have it, call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. I guess I thought somehow, some way justice would prevail and the world right itself. Maybe it has and I just never saw it.

In a long marriage there are bad times and good times and for so long I have waited for the bad time to be over and the stronger than before time to begin. It is not going to happen. We will both go forth stronger than before, I hope, but not together. I've mourned long enough. This past year I created a new social life for myself. I am about seven years behind in creating activities and friends without my spouse. Subtlety does not work on me. If I hadn't been in denial I would be farther along the path to independence.

I couldn't believe that I was being forced out of a job that I did so well. "Get out of there," my EAP counselor advised, "it is toxic." I felt I had some tasks that needed to be accomplished first. I was establishing programs that I wanted to be in place before I left. Guess what? All my hard work is for naught. They trashed my programs. Every time I interviewed with a potential employer all those negative emotions arose and I had a very hard time explaining why I left. I would make it through two interviews and see the job go to someone else. I got disheartened and stopped applying. Part of it was not having someone at my back, encouraging me, asking for progress. Part of it was denial. When I applied for the same position with another agency and got a form letter back saying I would not get an interview because they were looking for someone with "more experience" I had to face the reality of being blackballed. It hurt and I became angry all over again and like a child kept asking why life wasn't fair. That job had been promised to me if it ever came open. I really could not believe what was happening.

We measure time in minutes and hours. They accumulate into weeks, months and years. I, who have always been a demon about time have had to adjust my ideas about time. I thought I would have a new job in three months, and here it is three years later and I am no closer to being fully employed. It is over a year since our healing ceremony and I am not legally divorced. Talking Heads sing "Time isn't holding us / Time isn't after us / Same as it ever was."

I have needed the time to let go. I have needed the time to go forth. I have needed time to get back in tune with the Universe and see beyond myself and my petty life. I have needed time to get beyond my obsessive slavery to the clock and time tables. I am closer to sixty than fifty. That schedule of where I should be at this time in my life has been trashed beyond recognition. It is what it is and I have no idea of what that is and what wonderful future time may bring. But until I stop saying that I can't believe I am fifty-seven years old with no job, no marriage, and my own home, I am still Cleopatra, Queen of denial.