A hard day with the old man

I lost it again today. I totally lost it at the movies. Why should a 57 year old woman get so angry at a 94 year old man? Why should what he does affect me? Why can't I get over thinking some day he will change and be the loving soul he was created to be? Why do I give a damn? When will I finally learn that he is a fatally flawed human who cannot change.

I got a fortune in a cookie that said I look for the good in people. Oh God, I really do look for the good. I want to believe that my own father is a good person. And I have seen the reality of that but every time I start to believe it, he does some stupid shit that makes me ballistic. I can't breathe.

I went to see the movie "UP" the other day and really enjoyed it. It has had nothing but good reviews. I took them today and the old man laughed and seemed to enjoy it. The old lady was entranced. But as soon as it ended he told me how horrible my choice was and that he wasn't coming with me again and what a shitty movie it was.

He cannot be gracious. He has to be mean spirited. That is all there is to it. If he doesn't enjoy something, he cannot allow someone else to enjoy it. What kills me, what absolutely pushes all my buttons is to be abused for trying to provide entertainment for him. I had the opportunity to go up to a lake cabin in Walker this weekend but I said I couldn't go because I take my parents out every Saturday. I wanted them to have a good time, but he wouldn't allow it. I dropped him off at home and took the old lady out to eat, but not before I had a good cry. I am frustrated. Nothing is ever good enough, and nothing is ever appreciated.

Whether I bring him to Ernesto and Clara's for July 4th is up to me. If I can forgive and forget enough to be be in the same car with him is a question. But if I leave him home the old lady will fret. So either way I lose.

Steely Dan sings they have a name for the winners in the world and I want a name when I lose. Call me Deacon Blues.