Prayer

Sometimes I will read stories of great mystics, or people who want to be great mystics. They spend hours and hours in prayer. I have never been able to do that myself. My prayer is more like short sharp bursts of Morse Code; S-O-S, mayday, thank you, oh help, disregard, and I love you. I believe in two things, Grace and effort. I believe Grace is always there but I need to be putting forth effort to recognize it. So my prayers are a jumble of thank you and help me put forth effort and resignation and supplication.

Years ago, when we lived in Flagstaff, I wanted the job as a Community Center Director. I wanted it with a hunger. I was in a torment of wanting and trying to surrender. One day I was able to surrender. I was able to pray with a very clear intent. My prayer was that if I was supposed to get the job, that I get it. And if I was meant to stay a waitress, let me do it with joy. I remember the feeling of peace that engulfed me; it really didn't matter whether I got the job or not. (I did.) So I remember what that is like, but achieving it again is not easy.

There is a story in "Tales of the Hasidim" about a woman who goes to a holy rabbi and asks for help in conceiving a child. The rabbi tells the woman about his mother who went to the Bal Shem Tov for the same reason. She brought him her finest possession, a shawl. The Bal Shem Tov told her to go home and soon after she was with child. The woman being told this story says she has a shawl that she can bring him, and the rabbi basically replies that it won't work because she knows the story. His mother, you see, didn't know the story.

In much the same way, it is hard to pray for work. I already know the story. I cannot repeat the experience I had back then. I can't use the surrender I had then, now. I need a new prayer, a new surrender, a new openness in my heart. So what I ask for now is to keep on keeping on, not getting distracted by the weather, or my parents, or my own busy mind. Apply effort and keep applying effort and opening my eyes and heart to Grace.

I have always felt beloved of God. And as a child I have pushed that parent to see my boundaries. Can I go this far and will you still be there? Can I go farther and farther and will you still be there? I know I have had many opportunities that I just didn't see because I was focused on how sad I was. I am trying to open my eyes, and as a young heroine, Tiffany Aching, often says, "Open my eyes again." It is through my efforts and Grace that I will see what is really there.