Friends

Cassie Garberg, Monica Oakes, Carol Smoller, catching snowflakes a long, long time ago

My dearest oldest friend called me last night. An hour went by in a minute and I am left hoping she will come to visit me soon. We met when we were four years old in the elevator of the building where we both lived. She lived on seven and I lived on eight. She remembers that I was sitting in the stroller. My sister must have been born but I can't imagine where she was if I was riding. We were friends, we weren't friends, we were friends again. On and off, but mostly on as we both grew up. I married and had children first. She married and had two more children than I have. We both love our kids. Our lives have taken very different paths. She is now a semi-retired teacher with children still at home. My friend is well educated and an educator. She is a woman of distinction, honored by many. She has traveled the world as a teacher. I admire her immensely.

Why do people become and stay friends? It is not absolute acceptance of the other, no matter what. I came closest to abandoning my friend when I found out she voted for W. It was incomprehensible to me. Of course, I got over it. We love people in spite of themselves and in spite of our own selves, too. One wise woman I once heard said that friendship needs proximity, and shared interests to grow. But I think about my closest friends, one in Jersey, one in Colorado, and one in California. We have no proximity, and our interests are varied. But heart to heart, we are always there. We can pick up ten or twenty years from our last meeting and, bingo! no separation, no awkward moments. We are there. Just like I can with my sister. We are sisters of the heart.

When people meet me they are sometimes taken aback. I don't hold back. I am who I am and you don't need to sift through many filters to get to who I am. What you see is what you get. This is not an act, I yam who I yam and that's who I yam. Sometimes, if someone has hurt me, I will remove my personality. There was a man on a committee who hurt and humiliated me several years ago. At our next meeting I did not contribute to the discussion. He went to my boss to complain about my behavior. I turned it around by making him apologize for his actions, though. My friendship is a gift I freely give. I will forgive and forget, giving many chances to heal rifts and become friends again. And then, there will be a last time, and for my own protection, I withdraw. I have not done it often, and it is always as last resort. I am a peacemaker (when I am not actively fomenting dissent, that is) and really don't understand why we can't all get along.

I am envious of those women I see walking together, having coffee, shopping. I don't have very many people to do those things with. I am not an easy friend to have. I demand, by my very presence, that the people I am with be real. I can't do superficial well. It is so very boring. I expect a lot from my friends; big hearts, generosity, compassion towards others and towards me. I will give my friends anything in my power. Sometimes that is overwhelming and I have to be told "Don't fix me- just listen and be there for me."

Life is not a popularity contest. The one with the most friends does not win. The one with a few real friends of the heart is luckiest. I am a winner.

(But I do miss being the best friend of someone I loved. Ah, well...)