What I am looking for in a date

1. Mentally sound, with good dental and physical hygiene. Must wash hair and clothes. You've been to the dentist and laundromat? No visible nose hair? Good, proceed to level two.
2. Employed or financially stable. Don't need my (nonexistent) money? Proceed to level three. 
3. Sense of humor, must love to smile and laugh easily. Stonefaces need not apply. Your wrinkles come from laughter? Proceed to level four.
4. Big hearted, not mean spirited, compassionate. Cares about others. A good parent, son and friend. You know how to put yourself in the other guy's shoes? Proceed to level 5.
5. Good conversationalist, reads, shares ideas. You talk and listen? Sweet! Proceed to level 6.
6. Likes short, roundish women in their late 50's. You are at least 50? Proceed to level 7.
7. Knows how to get in touch with me and isn't shy to do so. We can discuss level 8 over coffee.