Like a wave, watch out for the undertow

Unless you have experienced true depression, and I hope like hell you have not, you cannot understand what it feels like. Hopeless, helpless, and so very sad. It is like a wave that washes over and you have to fight the undertow because if you let it take you, you will die. It is hard to remember that life is beautiful. It feels like laughter is something that happened to someone else and joy is only a concept. When this happens to me, as it is happening now, there is only one thing that keeps me going. It is knowing that it will pass and like the tide, it will ebb.

As I sit here writing this, tears trickle down my face and I wipe them off and blow my nose. tomorrow is another day and I hope I can wake up and face it. I wish someone would come and help me make a list and give me direction. But I have to do it myself.

Many years ago I went on a retreat alone. I wished someone was with me but understood that ultimately we walk alone. It is nice to have a companion but I am the only one who can move my feet. Left, right, and left again. Do not retreat to the bed and hide under the cover. But now it is almost one and I will go to bed, maybe to sleep, maybe not, and hope to feel better soon.