Well, Monday was a very sad day. I wrote as much in my blog. Today was some improvement. Made a list and did a few things on it, so that is good. But the best thing is I was able to talk to a friend who just listened. Then I spoke with Scott. I told him I was starting to look for an apartment. I told him some other stuff too and his response was that each day he wakes up wondering if he should just stick it out or kill himself. I said I thought about that too, or doing away with him. He reiterated to me that he wants to be fair and wants me to land on my feet.
Later I told him how shocked I was to hear him say that. I know thoughts of ending it all flit through MY brain, but I never thought he felt that way too. We agreed we must change the way things are going and I think we both feel better for having spoken.
So whether I buy something right away, and he is thinking I should get a house, not a condo, or just rent for awhile, I am going to try to move soon, by the end of the summer if not sooner. Anything to end the inertia.
On a serious note, tomorrow I will attend a funeral for a nineteen year old boy. I think it is a suicide, I will know more later. I remember going to Jerusha Kessler's funeral and telling Harriet about it. She said "She got confused." I always remember those words when I am despondent and think there is no use in going on. I will always remember that it is confusion that makes one feel that way. Confusion passes, death does not. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I will NEVER cause my family the heartache it creates. This is a promise.
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