What we think and what others see

Like most people I have an image of myself. Like most people, it is skewed. Sometimes it is skewed in a flattering way, sometimes it ignores the warts. Today I showed someone the way I see myself, and they showed me the warts. I apologized but my immediate reaction is defensive. Those aren't warts... those are, oh, beauty marks, or unusual plumage. Or sarcastic, so sorry I haven't lived up to your expectations; you who are so perfect.

I like to think I am a social person and enjoy being around others. But I am not so sure. I don't like long telephone calls except to my nearest friends and family. I'm not good hanging out at a bar or a dance. I've been known to tell my company, "OK, time to go now," and will herd them out the door. If someone at work stops to chew the fat for a long time, I make up needing the ladies room to get away.

I think I want to meet a nice guy and have had quite a few coffee dates. The auditioning is exhausting. I want someone to see me, find me fascinating, and feel like we can talk about anything. Hasn't happened yet. I wonder what I project and what they see? Sometimes I make a lot of effort, sometimes not. As Popeye put it, I yam what I yam.

Today's mail had a chance to win a pre-paid cremation; quite a practical sweepstakes if you think about it. Enclosed in the offer was a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that's why they call it the present."

I've made a decision. Apologize for what needs an apology, forgive myself for being human and give myself permission to stop feeling bad for the past. I only have today to be who I want to be, showing who I think I am, embracing the gift of the present.