The Tree of Life

One thing about living near a cheap theater, I get the opportunity to see a lot of movies that have not been blockbusters. They are good movies, but not big money makers.  This evening I went to see the Brad Pitt, Sean Penn movie The Tree of Life.  The critics loved it but it seemed to go in and out of the first run houses very quickly. I wasn't sure what to expect. Roger Ebert said, 

"The Tree of Life is a film of vast ambition and deep humility, attempting no less than to encompass  all of existence and view it through the prism of a few infinitesimal lives." (I have no idea how to  get rid of this border, sorry)

The first part was amazing images of earth and sky and light cut with short human scenes. I loved the music and pictures. At one point, though, I wondered if there was a story at all. Then the story unfolds. There was for me a quantity of uncomfortable tension. The child actors are very well done, and the house and neighborhood become integral to the story, almost characters.


Symbolism plays a big part in this picture and as Sean Penn himself put it, he had a hard time knowing what it was about and why he was even there. As I sat there for two hours and eighteen minutes, I grew restless. I wanted to shout, "I get it! Get on with it!" I think they could have cut at least twenty minutes of constellations, lava eruptions and other natural phenomena. It must have been heart wrenching to the director to cut any of the beautiful images.


I left the theater liking and disliking this film. I understood it and also wondered what the hell it was about. I understand, I do, that we are all connected, we are all alone, we all wonder who and why we are and the best thing one can do is be open to love.

I want

I want (in no particular order)

1. R-E-S-P-E-C-T
2. Good friends
3. Workout partner
4. To laugh
5. To have fun
6. To have a job with dignity and a decent salary
7. Health insurance I can afford
8. To have someone I can adore
9. To have someone who adores me back
10. Healthy food without too much salt that tastes wonderful
11. A vacation away from responsibilities
12. Motivation to deal with the mess of paper on the dining room table
13. To be able to sleep 8 hours straight

While I've been writing this I saw a commercial for Latisse, so I guess I also want longer, thicker eyelashes but I don't want my green eyes to turn brown. You notice I didn't ask for riches, a new car or plastic surgery.

How about you? 

The Telltale Chirp

Last night started out fine with an invitation to go dancing. The professor sure could move and I followed every step. We sat in a dark booth and slugged down club sodas with orange slices. About midnight we gorged on cherries at my place before I bid him a fond good night. I kicked off my dancing shoes and prepared for bed. New sheets invited in their crispness. At last, in bed with Martha Stewart.

I hadn't been asleep very long when I was awakened by a chirping. I got up and checked the smoke/carbon monoxide monitor. It was hard-wired in and didn't need a battery. I reset it then, and an hour later, all night long. Chirp, no chirp, chirp. By five I was a sleepless zombie. I called 911 and asked to speak to a fireman. They sent two to check it out. The tall one took the unit off the wall. The short one could find no source of carbon monoxide. The tall one found the back up battery in the unit and took it out. I offered cookies which they declined, and they left with my heartfelt thanks.

It felt so good to go back to bed and know I could sleep undisturbed. The sleep mask kept the dawn at bay and a cat snuggled near my feet. Then... chirp! What? How can that be? It is unplugged, it has no battery. It must be my imagination. Several chirps later I put on a robe and deposited the unit in my car in the underground garage.

It was past six and I knew the old lady would be calling soon. I was so tired. Determined to get some sleep I drifted back to bed, perhaps to dream. What kind of nightmare was this? How could I hear a chirp so clear, so loud, so near? I sat up in bed, wild eyed and turned on the light. Where was it coming from? There! Up there by the ceiling, another monitor, small and white. I hauled out the step stool and pulled it from the wall. Out came the battery and within minutes sleep descended.

Seven dollars and a trip to Target later, both alarms are armed with five year batteries and the only chirping to be heard are the crickets in the park.

Isn't technology great?

You can't call me an early adopter but I used to work with a very paranoid woman who distrusted all technology. She would not get an ATM card, use a cell phone and only used the internet at work. She was afraid of being hacked. Frankly, I thought she was deluding herself. If you have a social security number, and a bank account or mortgage, all your information is out there for the taking by people who know. I was late getting a microwave oven and cell phone but was kind of early getting on the net and can't think of living without internet access. 

About five this afternoon I called my oldest daughter, iphone to iphone. She had just stopped at a rest area about forty miles from Billings, Montana, and I thought she might like some company on her trip. She loves to call when she drives. The connection kept dropping and we kept calling each other back. She is on her way back to California from Minnesota. I asked her where she was staying that night and was told how by using the internet connection on her phone, she was able to find a place near Yellowstone and the directions to get there. Isn't technology great?

My lovely cousin Amy and her husband reconnected with our family by facebook. An old friend had a birthday and by seeing who wished him happy, I was able to find another old connection and send a message. I am going on a brunch cruise this Sunday. I found out about it on the computer. Isn't technology great?

Sure there is a danger of using technology for nefarious reasons, but I am really glad to have the benefit of  silicone chips and whatever they will think of next. I will probably continue to be a late adopter, getting a tablet when they are almost obsolete, continuing to read paper books, and still prefer talking to texting. Like it or not, kicking and screaming, here I am in the twenty-first century, and happy to be here. You are reading my journal, published for all to see. Isn't technology great?

A movie, and life review

The old lady and I saw the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love today. I loved it. Because I was sitting next to a 97 year old woman with macular degeneration I had to pay special attention to be able to tell her what was happening to which character.  There are many surprises, or as my mother says, "Wheels within wheels." It kept me guessing right until the end. And as I said, I did love and enjoy it.

You may have seen the trailer where Steve Carrell tells his ex that he should have fought for her. I floated around and around the pool at dusk wondering, could I have fought harder, could have my ex? Then I remembered that what I saw was a scripted story and what I experienced was life. It is easier to get a happy ending on film in 90 minutes. The actors actually talk about what is going on.

There is always one or more parts in a film that I have trouble believing.  It can be something as small as a hairdo or makeup from the wrong period to the way one character acts. In the case of this movie it was the thirteen year old son talking freely and publicly about his emotions. It just doesn't happen. A girl, maybe, but not your average young boy. Hell, not his father either. But it was a needed device to make the story work.

Lately I am spending a lot of time with the old lady. She is really missing the old man. They were together close to 52 years and it was a second marriage for each of them. She did not marry until she was 31 years old and was with her first husband 13 years. He died the same month as my mother, who had been married to my dad for 19 years. She says my father loved my mother and she loved her first husband. I know that it was a difficult second marriage for both of them while the kids were still at home. I lived in a house of chaos, manipulation, anger, violence, and fear. But for the last 36 years, alone together, they were pretty happy. She says she keeps crying and can't stop. I reassure her that it has only been one month and she has every right to grieve. I tell her that she is the one who saved his life and kept him alive. She says she was very lucky, she had not one, but two men who adored her. I agree.

She says I don't seem as sad as she is. It is absolutely true and I told her it is because she and I believe differently. I have had the most amazing feeling of lightness since the old man died. I just know that he has had personality taken away and has become what we all essentially are, love. I know he is happy, not sitting on a cloud... in fact I can't even imagine what or where he is, but I know that soul is at peace and all worries are over.

This was going to be an essay about recognizing opportunity and seizing the moment. I have so much to say about missed chances and wasted opportunities. But what is the sense of that? Can I change anything that has already happened? No. Here is my prayer, that I be fully aware in this moment, let go of fear in this moment, and be open to all the chances to be a real human and experience life and love in all its wonderful manifestations. I wish the same for you, too.

Family of love

When my second daughter was born, I hand-lettered her birth announcements on beautiful postcards. There was a central white space with lovely drawn and colored animals all around. And in the middle I wrote, "We are family, family of love, introducing our newest member..." Well that was over thirty years ago and I keep finding new branches, such as my darling new grandnephew, Linus, and dormant branches coming back into bloom.

This evening I got to see a cousin I haven't seen for at least forty years. What a wonderful treat to be together. My mother's niece Amy and her husband Paul flew into the cities from Atlanta as their first stop on the way to Minot, North Dakota. They will spend the weekend with a daughter and husband who live there. It was really fun for the old lady to tell tales out of school and for my cousin to tell what her life had been like and why she distanced herself from her family. She ran away and got married to leave home, and I ran away from home to get away from my parents and the man who wanted to marry me. She had no clue about me! I really do have to laugh. We each think the crisis' we experience in our young lives are so earth shattering that of course everyone knows.

We spoke of a cousin who won't talk to anyone from his side of the family, only his wife's. We spoke of having parents who were hard to deal with, but with all their mishegas, we still couldn't walk away. It was her mother, it was my father. I found it remarkable that we both married very nice men. (The fact that my marriage ended doesn't mean he wasn't a nice man, he was and is a very good person.)

Amy is my step-mother's niece and we are not related by blood, yet we are family of love. During dinner, my mother leaned over and kissed my shoulder. And as we drove home, I put my hand on hers and said, "We are doing OK, aren't we?" I see the friends she has in the building where she lives, and know others are looking out for her. The other night I organized National Night Out for my little condo and all the older ladies who have befriended me showered me with love for my efforts.

I have bunches and bunches of cousins all over this country and none of them have cared enough to stay in touch. It makes me sad to think about them, especially when I see the wonderful reunions Midwest families make. At this point the only family I know by blood are my sister and her sons, and my own daughters. Still, all my in-laws are dear to me and I could not love them more.

I have friends on facebook, and others who I don't talk to for months at a time. Yet I know, though not by blood, we are still family, family of love.