Quality of Life

I went to see my father at seven this morning. I stayed for about twenty minutes, holding his hand, speaking gently, watching him breathe. There were times his chest was so still, I thought he was gone, and then there would be a little snort to show he was alive. I held his hand, which was warm, giving it little squeezes, but he did not squeeze back. I told him I was sorry he had an unhappy life and that I loved and forgave him. I told him I was sorry for the grief I have given him over the years. I did a lot of silent communion too. The prayer of St Francis, "Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace," ran through my head. But I did not feel peaceful, I felt sad.

Shalom Home West is a beautiful facility on a beautiful campus. The courtyard is filled with conversation areas and lovely plantings. There is art and sculpture all over the place and the air smells good. There were no harsh voices. My dad is in this place of caring, with not a care in the world, except his next breath, and even that is not up to him. He is in limbo, not dead, but not really alive. And as beautiful as the facility is, there is not much quality of life for him.

What makes quality of life? Think of the movie Slumdog Millionaire. There is a scene where a child dives into human waste to retrieve an important slip of paper. That child had more quality of life than my father does now. There has to be a joy in living, a sliver of hope that tomorrow is worth staying alive to see. There has to be a reason to strive. There has to be a reason to laugh and hope and love.

The sweet peas I planted are starting to bloom. I've longed for that scent. It, along with all my little garden, improve my quality of life, as well as my neighbors. I hope that acts of kindness towards each other, whether acknowledged or not, aid in lifting the quality of life all around. My mother is devastated each time she sees him. I can only be there and try to be kind. She can make me crazy and it is my job to let her cry. What else can I do? Yelling does not help. So to improve her quality of life, I have to show love and understanding. My hope is that by doing this the ripples of kindness and caring spread to the far reaches of our existence.

Wishing all my family, friends, and even our pets, a day of appreciation for the gift of life. Jai ho!