I imagine that the title of this blog comes from the experience of someone who lived in an apartment with neighbors above. Each night the upstair tenant would come into the bedroom sit on the bed, take off and drop one shoe. The downstairs tenant, already in bed, would wait for the other shoe to drop so he could sleep. But what if the person above just toed off the other shoe and it never dropped? Would the person listening get anxious, irritated, upset or just go to sleep? Speculation in the middle of the night.
One shoe is already off. My father is on his way to the big sleep. Whether I will hear that shoe drop, or whether he will just fall asleep with that shoe on is anyone's guess. One moment he seems near death, the next he is full of beans, the sarcastic kind that complains.
I do not want him to linger, although knowing the old man, I am sure he will. I know his passing is not going to be what I expect. I will probably be filled with all kinds of conflicting emotions and will miss his dry humor when he is gone. I will not miss the nastiness, I think.
This is what I want. I want him to tell me how much he loves me and that he is sorry for the times he was out of control. I want him to thank me for making his last years easy, if not deliriously happy. I want to know more of the story that sent him and his brothers to the orphanage. I want to know how they treated my birth mother's cancer. I want to know what is in his heart before it is too late.
Dear friends, this isn't going to happen for me. But if you can cross a bridge, mend a fence, open your heart to someone who has made your life difficult, please do it. The benefit will spread like ripples on a pond affecting every place the water touches.
Right now, I feel like everything is unfolding in its own time. We have come very far in these last six years. I pray for patience, kindness and understanding.
Very touching post Carol and so right on.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we have the chance to ask those questions. Sometime they are answered and sometimes not; whether we ask or not. For others the opportunity to ask never comes - for a variety of reasons, and we live with the shoe still on. I assume because that's how it's meant to be, but maybe that's just my way of being good with that shoe never dropping.
I've been with three people as they left this earth. None who had been here as long as your Dad. There is no way to predict the experience. Hugs and love to you Carol. You have made his last days easier. I hope he is able to give you at least some of what you want before he goes.