Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Blessed silence

I was reading someone's post and they wrote, "What are you listening to now... right now?"  And I thought, silence, blessed, blessed silence. But then I realized it never really is silent, is it? I hear the hum of the computer fan and my fingers tap tapping on the key board. Some crickets are chirping and a night bird is screaming every few minutes. And if I went in the bathroom and closed the door I could still hear the building's machinery humming away. And if I could silence that too, I would still hear the chatter in my brain.

Right now that chatter is full of doubts and bad messages. It is telling me that I will not pass the training on my new job. That the supervisor really doesn't like me much, and that I am way too old to compete with these children who are my co-trainees. I should quit now and find some undemanding little job and be happy.

But then the strong positive me chimes in and says, "Quitcher bitchin!" They wouldn't have hired me if they didn't think I could do the job. Don't listen to the naysayer in my mind. A very wise teacher once said, "Leave no room for doubt in your mind." I feel tendrils of fear taking hold of me and must cut them away with the machete of effort and self esteem. I can do this! I can learn compliance language and be successful.

The trick is being here now... right now, and now and now again. And when the doubts creep in, return to the now, now, and now. I am not sure what is going to happen tomorrow, even if I will wake up, (Oh, I hope I do!) but right now I am alive, and breathing and awareness of the preciousness of life is soothing music to my soul.

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