As I typed in the title of this piece, Perspective, an old cheerleading ditty came to mind. But instead of chanting "Aggressive, got to be aggressive, A-G-G-R-E-S-I-V-E!" What came to mind was "Perspective, got to have perspective, P-E-R-S-P-E-C-T-I-VE..." Because that is what is affected most by real depression. Not just feeling sad, so different, it is a skewed view of the world, my place in it and utter hopelessness for the future. This past week I've experienced depression. Yes living in paradise in the Napa Valley, I was terribly depressed. The good news? I know the intensity lessens and soon I am not as depressed. I have experienced depression for most of my life and really do have some perspective into the disease. I will never be suicidal because that is not the answer. My problem is I lose perspective and feel hopeless and homicidal instead. Driving around and listening to the radio about innocents dying while assholes prosper, I truly can't think straight. (Perspective, got to have perspective...)
To renew my spirit I took a trip to Armstrong Woods in Guerneville. Construction along the road caused the trip to take an hour extra in stop and go fits and starts. No available parking spots and I wound up hiking about a quarter of a mile to get into the park. Take one step among the giants and perspective comes flooding back. Yes! Yes this is why I am alive, to be one with nature, myself and all creation. Not words, just awareness flooding through my consciousness. My plan had been to find a bench, lie down and absorb everything. The rain put paid to that plan, not a dry spot to rest anywhere. So I walked the Pioneer Trail instead, about three miles.
I wish I could paint for you in words what being among those giants is like. The closest I can come is to describe watching ants scurry around my feet from a standing perspective. Those ants don't have a clue about me, and those redwoods, some over a thousand years old, don't seem to notice the little creatures scurrying about, making noise, and not understanding the scope of existence. Sound and light change. The trees are so tall, they block out the sun, creating a cool dimness pierced through with shards of sunlight. Photos don't capture the drama and majesty so I didn't take any with a five year old cell phone. Human sound gets swallowed and a group of rambunctious teenagers makes little impression on the ambience. Ants, just ants.
The hike back to the car was easy, the road work finished and before long I was back in lovely St Helena, spirit renewed ready to play with an almost three year old. (Ready to pick him up and carry him to bed too.) The perspective I want in my life is awareness of now. I can't wait for certain stars to align to become magically aware. We only have this breath, and if we are lucky, the next ones too. I want to appreciate the miracle of life, in the forest or the city, now and now and now. And if I only remember once a day I am still truly blessed.
Blessed be.
