Call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.
Wow! That was a great first line. Now what? I'll come back to it...
Where has the time gone? What have I been doing? Why don't I have a job? Why am I not divorced and in my own place? Why, why, why? Ah, I have it, call me Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. I guess I thought somehow, some way justice would prevail and the world right itself. Maybe it has and I just never saw it.
In a long marriage there are bad times and good times and for so long I have waited for the bad time to be over and the stronger than before time to begin. It is not going to happen. We will both go forth stronger than before, I hope, but not together. I've mourned long enough. This past year I created a new social life for myself. I am about seven years behind in creating activities and friends without my spouse. Subtlety does not work on me. If I hadn't been in denial I would be farther along the path to independence.
I couldn't believe that I was being forced out of a job that I did so well. "Get out of there," my EAP counselor advised, "it is toxic." I felt I had some tasks that needed to be accomplished first. I was establishing programs that I wanted to be in place before I left. Guess what? All my hard work is for naught. They trashed my programs. Every time I interviewed with a potential employer all those negative emotions arose and I had a very hard time explaining why I left. I would make it through two interviews and see the job go to someone else. I got disheartened and stopped applying. Part of it was not having someone at my back, encouraging me, asking for progress. Part of it was denial. When I applied for the same position with another agency and got a form letter back saying I would not get an interview because they were looking for someone with "more experience" I had to face the reality of being blackballed. It hurt and I became angry all over again and like a child kept asking why life wasn't fair. That job had been promised to me if it ever came open. I really could not believe what was happening.
We measure time in minutes and hours. They accumulate into weeks, months and years. I, who have always been a demon about time have had to adjust my ideas about time. I thought I would have a new job in three months, and here it is three years later and I am no closer to being fully employed. It is over a year since our healing ceremony and I am not legally divorced. Talking Heads sing "Time isn't holding us / Time isn't after us / Same as it ever was."
I have needed the time to let go. I have needed the time to go forth. I have needed time to get back in tune with the Universe and see beyond myself and my petty life. I have needed time to get beyond my obsessive slavery to the clock and time tables. I am closer to sixty than fifty. That schedule of where I should be at this time in my life has been trashed beyond recognition. It is what it is and I have no idea of what that is and what wonderful future time may bring. But until I stop saying that I can't believe I am fifty-seven years old with no job, no marriage, and my own home, I am still Cleopatra, Queen of denial.
Dear Ceebee,
ReplyDeleteAs you, yourself state "subtlety does not work on me", I am going to be frank & too the point, which you might not wish to hear, but believe you need to in order to "move on" or to "let go". I felt the need to be up front and honest with you about some things that I have not shared with you. I truely do so with the hope that you can learn and grow from it, not to be critical or mean.
Your memory of things that have happened in the past are not accurate, especially as it relates to your last employment. I know that your boss was a bear, I had many complaints with her, but she was elected and you were hired. There was at least 1 project that you were to be a liason/resource - nothing more, but you did not perform that task and things had to be re-done some smoothing of feathers had to be done because of you being a gangbuster (which in some cases is a good thing) and thrusting yourself into a situation that only needed your assistance and staff resources not to attempt to "take it over". I can only speak about this one thing, but if in fact that is an indication about your ability to "take direction" then, in my opinion, be thankful that it was a "foreced" out and not a termination. I think you can get through the interiew process by stating that you and the elected management had differing visions for ....? I will be upfront, I filed a formal complaint about your behavior, but I had heard through the rumor mill (not from your management) that I was not the only one. I just thought that you should know so that you can use it to assist you in "letting" go.
Another memory that you have is as it relates to your social life and a group of women that you were having dinner with. Your memory of the event and who's fault it was is completly inaccurate. Was there bantering/teasing about a certain (male)individual? Yes there was, by people who had know him for MANY years and one of them being a very CLOSE DEAR friend of that individual. You felt the need to interject a story of your incounter with this individual that was not positive. I am not saying that their comments were positive but they were in the spirit of the ongoing "picking" & "funning" with this indivual. And these "ladies" as I said knew him well. When you chose to interject your non-positive comments, why did you think that it would not get back to him? I guess what I am saying, is that you blamed and banished about 10 ladies because they told their close friend the "stories" that you were telling. Had you not told the story or felt the need to interject your negative experience with THEIR good friend, it would not have gotten back to him. The blame lies with you for "telling" stories with names not with them for warning their friend.
Please accept these comments in the spirit in which they are meant, to learn from.